“Have you ever had an out of body experience?” Kurt asked, looking up at the sky, arms folded behind his head as he and Dave sat atop the hood of the van, staring up at the summer night sky together.
Dave considered it, “Uhhmmm…”
Kurt waited, blinking at the stars, then continuing, “Like... where you can see yourself and you're not inside yourself... it's so weird. I had one while I was on acid.”
Dave shook his head, “Only done it once, haven’t had an out of body.”
Kurt yawned up at the sky, “It was like watching myself on camera or something.”
Dave didn’t mean to but he turned to Kurt and locks eyes on him for a while. Kurt noticed, looking at him then away. A moment passed and he noticed Dave’s eyes were still on him. He blushed, “Dave?”
He looked away, up at the sky, then back at his face, “Kurt...you live in a weird world, man...must be pretty scary, yet ...interesting. I just want you to...” He mused, “be careful ..okay?”
Kurt cocked his head, “Careful about what?” Dave smiled suggestively. Kurt raised an eyebrow, “The drugs?”
“About playing with fire…”
“I’m fine, I know my limits.” Kurt dismissed it, picking at his fingernail.
Dave got up to stand but fell off the hood of the car, falling in a thud, making Kurt have to cover his mouth to stifle his laughter, afraid to wake the other guys who were sleeping out on mattresses on the side of the van outside. “How fucking stoned are you?”
“I don't know…” He shrugged, turning from Kurt, walking a few steps before beginning to undo his pants, releasing himself discreetly to pee. Silence fell, only the sound of pee hitting dirt surrounded them. Dave shook off and zipped himself back up, rejoining him on the hood of the van, reaching for the joint they’d been sharing, “Hey Kurt..why did you make me put on a bra on our last gig?”
Kurt just snickered in response, laughing that evil, trilly laugh of his.
Dave whined, “Tell me why, be honest.”
Kurt laughed to himself, “I dunno... it was fun.” He took the joint as Dave passed it to him, adding softly, “And you looked good in it too.” he smiled, feeling good and stoned.
Dave felt his face grow hot, he avoided Kurt’s eye contact.
“What?” Kurt grinned.
“Nothing.” he kept on looking anywhere but at him.
Kurt kept on smoking, passing the joint to Dave, trying to catch his eyes. The brunette kept his face trained down. Kurt grabbed his chin, blowing smoke in his face.
Dave finally looked up and was struck hard by Kurt's intense cobalt eyes and watched with admiration as a smile crept out over his features, crinkling his pale skin and denting his cheeks in deep dimples. He was intoxicating. Being near him felt exciting, he never knew what Kurt would do, there was an electricity between them.
His blue eyes flicked down at Dave's lips for a split second before leaning back and pulling away all at once. He pulled a cigarette from behind his ear, holding a flame out and puffing it to life. Dave frowned.
Kurt saw it out of the corner of his eye, grabbing the cigarette from his lips, muttering, “You're such a whiner,” as he leaned in to press a kiss to his thick lips.
Dave reacted by wrapping his arms up around his neck, pulling him closer and locking him in place. He ran a hand through his wavy blonde locks, kissing him harder, afraid it might all go away at any second.
Kurt tried to pull back but Dave's arms wouldn't let up and when they both needed to break for air Dave still kept a tight hold on him, pulling him to his chest. He whispered into his hair, “I want you close like this.”
Kurt's heart began to beat irregularly.
In the morning they drove into a small town just outside Glasgow. They played a small pub to a room full of college students who surprisingly knew a lot of their songs. Kurt had underestimated himself yet again. He began to smile and feel filled with something that felt like happiness as the small crowd sang along to ‘Breed’ with him. He wondered if this was how Freddie Mercury felt. But, as all good things do, the feeling passed and he was yet again in a foreign town, drinking a beer, trying to relive that brief moment of magic.
Dave sat beside him in a booth as Krist took shots with the roadies and some college kids who had stuck around to hang out. Kurt wasn't much in the partying mood, feeling pretty low after expelling so much energy. He was brought out of his thoughts as Dave squeezed his thigh beneath the table, smiling encouragingly, “You alright?”
He nodded once, drinking the rest of his beer. Dave’s smile faltered slightly, “What's wrong?”
“It’s nothing. I just wish good feelings lasted longer. Or maybe I wish I had less bad feelings, I dunno.”
Dave took a sip at his beer, eyebrows drawn over his eyes in thought. “Have you tried antidepressants or anything?”
He nodded sadly. “Not a lot of things work for me. Pot helps.”
“Well good thing I have a joint in my pocket.” he smiled, “Come outside with me?”
Kurt nodded, getting out of the booth and walking outside with him. They snuck around back by the dumpsters where they smelled someone else smoking weed and guessed it was an okay spot. Dave flicked a lighter, puffing on the joint. He took a breath, muttering around it, “I think everyone gets depressed sometimes, I know I do.”
He passed it to Kurt, who nodded in agreement, taking a deep inhale.
“Plus being on the road can be hard. I know I get homesick for Virginia.”
Kurt nodded again, looking up at the sky. He took a long hit then exhaled sharply. “I could care less about home or my family or any of the people I know. I just want my life to mean something, man. I want to be remembered for something.”
“You’re never gonna amount to shit if all you do is hang around with those fucking losers and do drugs and drink all day, Kurt!” Ever the performer, Wendy Cobain threw herself at the couch dramatically after screaming hoarsely (and drunkenly) at her seventeen year old son. She wailed, crying, smearing her mascara all over her face, “I don’t know what I did so wrong or why you hate me so much!”
Kurt felt his chest tighten, biting his tongue, holding back everything he wanted to scream at her in anger. Being stoned and slightly tipsy helped him build up some sort of barrier between the outside world around him. It helped him see through his mother’s hysterics as an act brought on by fear that she was losing her son, but the sad truth was that she’d lost him a long time ago. He looked down at his fist, knuckles white in the tight grip he had himself in. He turned to walk up the stairs, only to be confronted by the solid frame of his step father Frank.
His arms were folded, a look of anger present on his features. He reeked of cigars and body sweat. He stood like a wall between Kurt and the staircase. Kurt sighed, “Listen dude, I’m tired.”
Oh boy that lit him up, his face turned red and the little blood vessel at the base of his temple popped up fresh against his skin. “You disrespectful little asshole,” He grabbed Kurt around the throat in a hard meaty grip, “come here and I’ll teach you how to fuckin’ talk to a man.”
Kurt coughed around his hold, spitting, “Some fucking man you are.”
Wendy was suddenly behind the two of them, crying drunk and dramatically, “Frank, stop it! Put him down! That’s my son!” All the commotion had woken the baby, who began wailing in the other room. Kurt took the opportunity of Frank being briefly distracted to run up the stairs into his room. Frank just huffed and stomped off to the kitchen, Wendy went after the crying baby. Another evening at home.
Kurt tore through his room, digging through piles of clothes, records, grabbing essentials and throwing his things in a backpack. He decided he would leave again, he didn’t know for how long but he was sick of everything and everyone in the house. He picked up the beat up old phone on his dresser, dialing Krist’s number. It rang five times before a very groggy sounding Krist answered, “Hullo?”
“Dude it’s Kurt. Can I come stay with you?”
He could tell Krist was half-conscious but he didn’t miss a beat and responded immediately, “Of course.”
Relief washed through him, he felt a weight fall off his chest. “Thank you. I’ll be there in ten.”
“Okay, you want me to meet you halfway?”
“I mean.. If you want to.”
“Meet me at the park?”
“Okay,” Krist agreed, Kurt could hear a smile in his voice. “Everything okay?”
Kurt sighed, “I guess, just the usual.” Then he remembered Frank’s hands on his neck, “Oh he actually choked me a little, but… eh.”
“Are you serious!?” Disbelief colored his voice.
“Kurt you gotta get out of there.”
“I know.” He wanted desperately to change the subject, hating to focus on his bleak surroundings. “See you at the park?”
“Yeah, see you there.” He could hear the worry in his voice but decided to ignore it, hating being pitied.
“Bye.” He hung up, killing the line. He stood and walked toward his closet, grabbing a flannel to add to his outfit of long johns, covered by a pair of ripped up jeans with a tank top covered by a t-shirt and long sleeved shirt. He liked to layer his clothes to make himself look less skinny, give the illusion of some sort of body tone or mass. He put the flannel on then grabbed his large black parka coat, putting that on and grabbing what was left in his baggie of weed, stuffing it into his pocket. He grabbed his lucky tie-dye lighter off his nightstand, took his backpack and slung it over his shoulders. The last, and very essential item was his beloved, beat up old acoustic guitar. He didn’t have a case for it and opted to sling it backwards across his chest, holding the bulk of the body up on his backpack.
Now the challenge was making it down the stairs and past his mom and Frank without being stopped. He guessed by now his mom was doing her usual routine of getting ready for bed, which included having a “secret” cigarette on the toilet, doing her nails, washing her face and hair, etc. so if she had begun that routine he knew she wouldn’t notice him. Frank, on the other hand, was usually in the kitchen grabbing beers out of the fridge or scratching his gut on the couch. And he had an ear for Kurt especially. He decided he’d put up with enough shit today and that Frank was probably tired from all the action earlier, so he just walked out of his room and down the stairs as quickly as possible.
He made it all the way out the back door without anybody bothering him. His strides became larger as he walked freely away from home, feeling more and more confident the further he got from there. His backpack and guitar felt weightless as the pep in him increased, imagining hanging out in Krist’s room, sneaking out to smoke weed, having breakfast with his family, just being anywhere but with his dysfunctional broken life.
He walked around the park, going to their usual meeting spot on the bench. Sure enough, there he was. Krist sat in all his goofy, awkward glory, lanky and far too tall for comfort, growing at a rapid rate that his wardrobe could hardly keep up with. His shirts always rode up lately and he complained often of body pains. Kurt didn’t realize he was smiling until he saw Krist’s eyes recognize him and smile back.
“You made it!” He got up to throw a big hug around Kurt’s shoulders, but stopped when he saw the guitar. “Oh you lookin for a little jam sesh?” His playful tone made Kurt wish he could keep on smiling but the corners of his mouth started to fall. Krist looked down at him and could see nothing but a lost, sad little boy with a pair of misty blue eyes who was trying to hide behind his moonlight-reflecting shining hair.
Kurt’s voice shook as he explained, “I just wanted to bring it because I don’t know when I’ll be going home again and I can’t be without it.” Krist gulped, dropping the playful tone, seeing how hurt and upset he was.
“Do you want me to carry anything?” The blonde shook his head once, casting his eyes down at his shoes.
“I just wanna go to your house..”
“Of course, let’s go.”
They talked the whole walk there, which was only about five minutes from where they were. Kurt told him the entire situation he had come home to, what Frank had done, what his mom had said. He was half-phased by it because it happened so frequently but Krist guessed that Frank actually laying hands on him had him a little shaken up. By the time they reached his house, Krist decided to unveil his surprise. He pulled a little joint out of his pocket that he’d hastily rolled up then hurried to the park to meet him with.
Kurt looked up at him with admiration, “Really?”
“Yeah dude, let’s go in the backyard.” He carefully unhinged the gate to his backyard and let Kurt in, then closed it just as carefully behind him, knowing that his parents were definitely asleep as it was almost one in the morning. Kurt set his backpack and guitar down carefully, whispering to Krist,
“Thank you so much, dude, you have no idea how much I--”
Krist held up a hand, “Save it, I know you would do the same for me. Cool?”
“Cool.” he nodded, grabbing the lighter out of his pocket and offering it to Krist.
“Thanks,” He put it between his lips, flicking the lighter to life and puffing over it for a few moments before handing the lighter back to Kurt, taking a deep inhale and puffing his chest out. He handed the joint off to Kurt, still holding his breath. Kurt laughed at him under his breath, taking a hit and holding it in too. Krist then took it back and took another hit, attempting to hold it in. It was this little game of ‘baseball’ they played with each other, seeing who had the best lungs. Krist usually won.
Many hits later, the boys were laughing soundlessly at each other, tears coming out of their red eyes, Kurt reached and burnt his finger on the roach, hissing, “Ouch, it got me!”
Krist dropped it to the ground, stomping it out with his foot and hissing with laughter, “There, I saved you.”
“What would I ever do without you?” Kurt teased, fluttering his lashes at him jokingly, flipping his hair. Krist, unlike every other male Kurt revealed his true, funny, flirtatious self to, was willing to joke back and even return the flirtatiousness, knowing it was all in jest. Kurt loved that he never had to explain that to him, they had some unspoken understanding of each other and they both respected and loved the other without question. They had even kissed once before at a party and neither of them made it weird or uncomfortable, they hadn’t even talked about it since because it just didn’t matter to them. It was all in good fun.
“Dave!” Kurt and Krist shook his shoulders, “Dave!” they chanted relentlessly. The drummer finally blinked a little, squinting at the light and muttering, trying to turn his head back into the pillow. Kurt grabbed his arm, trying to pull him up out of the bed, “Dave, you’re gonna miss the countdown!”
“I don’t caaare,” the brunette groaned, beyond wasted and high on a mixture of weed and what he was told were mushrooms. Krist and Kurt were drunk and booming as well but they were handling themselves much better. Dave just wanted to be in a quiet, dark room and sleep off the hallucinations around him. But of course, they wouldn’t allow it. “Just leave me be!”
Krist darted off to find the TV and began chanting, “10, 9,”
“Dave, it’s starting!” He kept pulling on his arm, tugging him upward, toward the burning light. Dave looked up at Kurt but immediately regretted it as he watched Kurt’s hair wiggle and shake, his eyes bouncing around abnormally.
“I can’t handle all of this right now.” He put his arms up around his head, covering his ears as Kurt joined Krist in chanting, “6, 5, 4, 3….. 2……”
He felt long fingers snake up his face and take hold, he heard Krist scream, “One!!” right as Kurt pressed a kiss to his mouth with cold lips, turning his head into it and running his tongue across the inside of Dave’s bottom lip before biting it and pulling away. The kiss left him shivering and he felt unbelievably cold as Kurt pulled away. He reached after him,
“Wait,” He pulled him up over himself, looking up at Kurt as he hovered over him. Their eyes met and they stared at each other for a solid minute, each tripping and watching colors swirl in each other’s eyes. Dave reached up to thumb the dimple in Kurt’s chin, smiling at him helplessly, “Happy new year, Kurt.”
A smile spread across the singer’s face and it was a miraculous sight. Crinkles deep in his skin revealed breath-taking dimples as his lips widened over his glowing, stubbly face. “Happy new year, Dave.” Dave leaned up to steal a kiss now, unable to resist that gorgeous smile, knitting his fingers into his messy, slightly greasy hair, working his jaw apart with his lips. A moan passed between their lips and neither knew who started it but it made them both pull away in order to stifle themselves in front of Krist, locking eyes, both understanding that a rain check would be in order soon.
Kurt tumbled off of Dave as Krist burst into the room with three over-filled shot glasses in his hands, making an absolute mess of everything. “Shots for the new year!” They all took shots, the rest of the night was hard to remember.
The next day they played a show in a tiny little podunk town and as soon as the set was over, Kurt grabbed his drummer by the loop in his jeans and led him back to the van, locking the doors behind them and crawling up across the makeshift bed to pop in a Queen cassette. He turned it up loud and crawled back to Dave, who was already shirtless, covered in sweat and spent, looking like he’d just had sex. He moved to sit in his lap, leaning down to suck at his neck and taste him.
“Kurt,” Dave’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, letting his head fall back against the hard wall of the van, sighing. He never dreamed a person so beautiful and talented would show such interest in him. Every time it happened it felt like a dream. He was so afraid of waking up that he had to continuously remind himself not to fuck up, not to make a wrong move, not to cross any lines. Sometimes it was hard to know what was okay with Kurt, he kind of just let him decide and followed his lead, always afraid to do something wrong and make it all end.
Meanwhile Freddie Mercury was pouring his heart out singing “We Are The Champions” in the background while Kurt’s mouth drifted further and further south. Dave bit his lip, feeling his abs tense as Kurt kissed over them and began working at his zipper. Every touch, every movement was so intense and overwhelming, he could never get used to Kurt’s touch. There was something electric in it.
“Mmm” Kurt purred as he slowly pulled Dave’s boxers and pants down his hips. His eyes locked on his cock as it sprung free, then his fingers wrapped around it, holding it in place before positioning his mouth over it.
“Oh, god, Kurrt.” he was insanely good at blow jobs. Like, better than any girl Dave had ever had. He didn’t understand where Kurt learned the things that he knew but he should be notorious for it, he should come with a warning label. Dave was ruined for life. His chest tightened as he felt the warm, inviting wetness of Kurt’s mouth, fists clenching and unclenching helplessly. Kurt turned him from the wall, pushing him down into the bed of pillows behind him, bobbing up and down on him. Dave felt his sanity unraveling, his breathing becoming heavier.
All at once, he pulled up and off of him. Dave looked up, reaching up at him, mourning the loss. Kurt smiled and undid his pants, whipping his jeans and boxers off rapidly, moving to hover over Dave’s straining, hard cock. He leaned down to spit on his cock a little more, then hovered back over him. Dave’s lungs stopped working as he felt Kurt rub and tease the head of his cock against his ass.
“Ohhh god. Kurt, please, I want you so bad, god.” He continued rubbing, smiling devilishly down at him through strands of hay colored hair. He dipped down softly, feeling the bluntness of Dave against his tight muscle, wincing slightly and pulling back. Dave continued moaning, mewling, begging, “Ohh, please, please, oh my god.” Kurt teased again, pushing down and wincing again, pulling off.
He pushed down again, steadying himself by holding onto Dave’s shoulder, knees on either side of him. He hissed as he felt Dave’s head force fit into him, “Fuuck.” He pulled back, feeling his ass ache. He tried again, pushing down on him, biting his lip as the head intruded again, but he pushed himself further down, hissing and wincing all the way as Dave slid into him slowly. “Ahh, god.” He bottomed out, sitting on him, thighs level with his hips.
“That’s so fucking hot.” Dave twitched as he stayed still, fighting so hard not to just turn him and slam into him. “Seeing you take my cock like that… so hot.” He gripped Kurt’s hips in a bruising hold. “Fuck. I wanna fuck you so hard.”
“No, no, we gotta go slow.” Kurt whined, face contorted in pain.
“I know… I know.” He tried to calm his lust, looking up at Kurt’s gorgeous, pained expression. He reached up to pet at his hair lovingly, “We can go as slow as you need to, take your time I didn’t mean to hurt you… I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” He moved up, hissing in pain, then sliding back down, “Fuuuck.” He tried to pick up the pace, fighting to ignore the stinging, burning pain inside him, telling himself it would be worth it. He kept moving, hissing and biting his lip, but dammit he kept trying. The pain did start to subside and slowly became replaced with a blooming, warm, tingling feeling that made his entire body shiver. “Ohh fuck.” He started moaning in pleasure.
Dave could do nothing but bite his knuckle and watch as Kurt had this discovery, wanting so bad to buck his hips up into him. He fought with everything in him not to just go crazy. Kurt began moving up and down harder, grinding himself down against Dave and groaning deep in his throat as he did it. Dave got even harder, if it were possible, moaning and digging his nails into Kurt’s shoulders, “God you feel so good.”
In response, he moved even faster. Dave grabbed his hips, unable to take it anymore and began thrusting with him, hard and fast. He saw Kurt’s expression turn to one of ecstacy and it made him want to fuck him even harder. In a matter of seconds, Dave was mewling, warning, “Ohh, I’m gonna cum!”
Kurt replied hoarse and low, “Do it, I don’t care, fill me up.”
That drove him over the edge as he released, crying out Kurt’s name and spilling into him, feeling so warm, so fucking good and warm. Kurt came shortly after Dave did, all over his stomach. He hesitated before pulling up off of him, making sure to do it nice and slow. Dave grabbed his tank top and wiped it across his stomach, tossing it aside, both of them panting and gasping for air. “Damn,”
“Damn.” Kurt agreed, huffing out a laugh.