where's your heart? (TRIGGER WARNING)
(TRIGGER WARNING) [Archivist's note: Cutting/self-harm]
All I could hear were the sounds of my sobs they were soft, but I wasn't holding it in any longer. That was my first kiss, it was amazing because I loved Krist more than air, but then Terrible cuz that's all ruined now... I choked out a few more sobs and bit my trembling lower lip. I couldn't go inside, Krist was in there,.. I wondered how long it would take him to kick me out now, I sighed and started the vehicle from the shotgun seat. I turned on the radio and got out my drawing kit, just waiting for Krist to come tell me to leave. I sank into the music not singing along, not enjoying it just going numb in it, letting it surround me like a blanket as I started to sketch Krist. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to remember all the emotions I've seen on his face. I remembered when I first saw him: the concern for his cat, then the amusement when I attacked him, the kindness when I was sick, the stress when his aunt called, then passion when he kissed me, the disgust when he pushed me away. A tear fell onto my paper, followed by another as I was finishing the drawings. I looked up and saw that aunt Maria was staring at me through the window, I must look like a mess.. I shook my head sharply twice. And she closed the curtain and left me here. I set my book aside, grabbed my hair and slightly pulled it as I broke down.
I climbed out if the shower and put a towel around my waist. I still felt horrible. My mind kept screaming at me.
You are a creep, you know that right?
What you did was wrong. You are worthless. He needed you and you used him.
"Stop!" I shouted out loud and grabbed my hair.
Even if he liked you before, he doesn't Now after you left him.
"Stop.stop.stop.stop.stop" I said to the mirror. I suddenly looked down at the draw under the sink, it held my razor blades...
Ha! You are so pathetic! Running to that as soon as things get tough.
"I know." I scrambled through the drawer, and found it as tears filled my eyes. I held the cold metal to my damp skin.
Do it you waste. Do it.
I quickly pressed it in my skin and pulled down quickly with a wince.
I did this getting deeper each time
Again. Again. Again.
You deserve every one of these.
Ha-ha ! You deserve worse pain than this. You are a horrible person.
"I know I am... " I was sobbing and my arm was covered in blood, but the voice wouldn't quit.
You deserve to die. You are a waste of air, kill yourself. You hurt every one. Die.
"No. No ! That's not T-true!!." I was starting to feel dizzy.
Yes it is.
If its not true then why are you hurting yourself?
"I-I don't K-Know..."
You know why. Because you deserve it.
I couldn't see straight any longer, I fell\sat down, blood pouring from my arm getting all over me, my towel, and the floor.
"NOT TODAY KRIST! I'm not letting you die.!" It was aunt Maria, she was here now. Somehow she managed to pick me up and set me on the sink counter, even though I'm a foot and a half taller than her. I kept falling in and out of consciousness, she now had blood on her too, she took away my towel and started ripping it up, she started tying it tightly around my cuts, causing me to yell out in pain.... Then everything went dark.
how long had it been? Probably several hours, I just wasn't ready to go in there yet, and obviously I wasn't wanted, as no one came out to me.. I had drawn every emotion I could think of on Krist and had to be done. Krist's coat was sitting behind me in the back seat, I sighed and grabbed it, pulling it in the front. It was much bigger compaired to me... I held it to my face and inhaled, it smelled just like Krist and it made me sad yet comforted.. I draped it over me pretending it was him hugging me... I tried to pretend nothing happened.. I looked through the glove compartment and found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.. I took them out, I had smoked once before in 7th grade but it hurt my throat and lungs so I never did it again.. But I decided I wanted the pain... So I started smoking one right after another, slowly. It hurt at first but I got used to it, I already loved it in my hands, I turned the music up louder than I should have, in hopes to bring one of them out here to me. I smoked and stayed all curled up pretending my life wasn't crashing around me well into the night... It was now 9 pm and no one bad came out here I felt really hurt and all the nicotine was getting to me so I laid my seat back and went into a fitful sleep, wondering what Krist was doing.