Dave was paralyzed. Paralyzed with grief, with a nameless totality. He had no idea what to say, what to think, what to do. He had to keep reminding his lungs to draw breath, just so he didn't suffocate in his paralysis. He shuddered. It was cold. He felt like a stranger in his own body, an intruder, an alien species.
He wasn't used to wearing a black suit and tie. The attire made him feel unreal. He felt like half his soul had just been ripped out and replaced by empty air. Now there was just a big, gaping hole.
The place where Kurt Cobain had once lived.
The world was freezing, and ablaze at the same time. Fire and ice.
Beside him, Krist Novoselic was bent almost double in his grief, looking just as out of place in his suit as Dave felt, his face as white as the flowers scattered over the tombstone. Fucking pointless, really. He wasn't even buried there. It wasn't real, it could have been a fake. No body lay beneath that stone placeholder. Yet Dave couldn't stop staring at it.
Krist's shoulders were shaking, and through his paralysis, Dave felt dull surprise. He'd never witnessed Krist, who was always as strong and solid as a mountain, shake like this before.
He's really gone. I'm never gonna see him again.
His eyes were fixed on his dead friend's tombstone. And he wasn't even there. He was ashes, now, not even a person anymore. Just... dust.
Dave remembered the viewing, before. How awful it had been. Underneath the piercing sound of Courtney's screams and drama, the deathly, stunned silence. His mother's tears. The little blonde's body, so real and there yet so far away. His hands. His hair. Right in front of him. Unreachable.
He wanted it back so bad. He wanted to talk to his friend again. He wanted to tell Kurt he was sorry for all the shitty things he'd ever done to him, and forgive Kurt for everything he'd done in return. He wanted to tell his friend thank you, for being with him, and tell him how much he appreciated everything. But more than anything else, he just wanted to tell the fucker how much he cared. Now, now it was too late to do fucking any of those things. Kurt had left them all. He was gone.
Dave glared at Kurt's tombstone, at the white flowers that littered the grass beneath his feet, and his vision went blurry and his eyes filled, then overflowed. "Bye, Kurt," he murmured, as the first tears began to fall.
"So, Dave," the extremely drunk Brian managed to slur. Brian was Dave's new-found friend, and he was... brash, to say the least. "D-do you like sex?"
"Huh? Oh... yeah," he replied absently. Had he been a little more aware, the question probably would have struck him as a tad odd. But he wasn't, so it didn't. "Yeah. Sex is good."
"What's your favorite part about sex?"
"Oh, well, I don't know..." Dave poured himself another slug of Crown Royal, and downed it in one terrific gulp. "I, I like fucking the best, I suppose. Yeah. Fucking is good. I love it."
"Well, who doesn't?" Brian quipped airily, chugging beer at a rate that made Dave feel a little woozy, even though it was only beer, and piss-weak. "Are you a top man or a bottom man?"
For someone who had never had gay sex before, it was a difficult question to answer. "Er... top man, I guess." I'm not about to be no one's bitch, at any rate.
"Oh." Brian seemed disappointed with this. "Uh-oh. That may turn out to be a bit of a problem."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing." Brian's voice was genuine but his smile was downright nasty, and Dave didn't trust it at all. Against his better instincts, he downed some more alcohol, and Brian continued. "So anyway, Dave. I was wondering, can I let you in on a little secret?"
"Er, I suppose so." Brian leaned in close to whisper, and Dave could smell the drink in his breath. It was fucking awful. "I," he crooned. "Have a raging erection in my pants right now. And I think I need a certain someone to take care of it for me." He began to stroke Dave's thigh lightly, trying and failing for an erotic effect. Rather than melt for him, Dave jumped, and bolted upright in his seat.
"H-hey. What are you doing?"
"Ssh." The hand on his thigh squeezed, and that was way past too much. Dave scrambled to his feet, almost crashing to the floor in the process.
"No, wait," Dave blurted, steadying himself before he could fall and embarrass himself further. "I, I don't think I can do this just now. Maybe I should just-" But Brian stilled him with a hand on his arm. His hand was big, and heavy. There was a lot of power in that hand.
"Hey, hey," he soothed in a drunken, warbly voice. But there was a part of him the drink couldn't touch, and it was still sly. "None of that now, okay? We can take it slow, if that's what you want. As fucking slow as you need it. I'm in no hurry, here." Dave still looked unsure, so Brian continued. The sly part of him sensed that more gentle convincing was in order. "Hey, I've got an idea. How about we go for a walk together? Maybe we can get some talking done?"
"Oh..." It sounded safe, enough. "Alright, then."
"Terrific." Like the perfect gentleman he most certainly wasn't, he offered Dave his arm. "Let's go."
They walked out of the club together and out to one of the balconies, from noise to near-silence. The only real sound was the rain, seeming to come from every direction, the clouds raging and storming, the rain water thundering down into the oblivion below. Dave leaned out against the railing, and let the rain rush over his hands. It was cold, but it felt good. He gazed out as far as he could see, where the rain was just a grey curtain, and the clouds looked like silk. He could remember that, ever since Nirvana, since Seattle, the rain had always reminded him of Kurt. "It's beautiful."
"What?" Brian was confused.
"The rain. It's beautiful." His voice was low as he almost but not-quite dared to think about the person who was still hurting his heart. "I love the rain."
"Oh..." Brian couldn't understand this - it was only water, for fuck's sake - but it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things, so he let it go. There was really only one thing on his mind, and that was top priority: Get Laid. He moved towards Dave, and touched his shoulder lightly. "So, now that we've done some walking, and some talking, how about we get to know each other a little better? You know..." His lowered his voice. "In a different sort of way."
"Uh," Dave hesitated in the moment where his only answer really should have been no, and then Brian was grasping him and pulling them together firmly. And it was too late for a reply. "I-"
"Ssh." He cupped Dave's cheek. "Don't talk now. It's okay." He brought their lips together, hard, and Dave lost all his breath. "B-brian."
"But I-" He was cut short again as he was kissed, Brian shoving his tongue ruthlessly between his teeth and down his throat. Then he was pushed up against the railing, and rain water soaked into his back, and he shuddered. Not from the cold.
"Dave." A hand was fumbling ts way into the front of his pants, and it was too real, it was far too real to be considered okay. All at once, he wasn't ready to be gay.
Oh my God. There's no way I can do this. "W-wait." He tried to push Brian away, but he was drunk, and horny, and refused to back off. "Wait... changed my mind, too fast... mmph! P-please, stop!"
"Shut up," Brian growled, and his strength intensified, suddenly, it was overpowering. Dave felt fear now, it was infecting him, and that and the drink only made it harder for him to know how to react. The hand inside his pants was squirming around, and he tried to yank it away.
"Dave..." His voice was dark and dangerous. "Don't deny me, Dave." Now Dave was full-on struggling, all pretense of consent was gone. He lashed out.
"N-no! Fuck, get off of me, you fuck..."
"I said shut up!" The hand inside his pants found what it was looking for, and Brian grinned and squeezed hard. Dave cried out in pain and his balls snarled angrily at him, and his knees buckled. He fell into Brian's arms, who smirked and pushed him harder against the railing, bending him over it almost double, and then began to ravish him. Dave was dazed, and the rain was beating down into his face. Drowning him. He spluttered, starting to kick and struggle harder.
Brian clamped down on his hips with unbelievable force, bruising the skin beneath his fingers like soft fruit. Dave howled. His crotch was aching hollowly.
"Stop, no! You fuck, you fuck! Get off, get off me!" Brian didn't respond, just shook him, and the sky began to spin. Everything was losing its color and vibrancy. The rain was cold. But Dave struggled on. Where is someone, someone, stop this!! "Help!"
"Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking kill you!" Brian hissed. He was slipping a hand into the back of Dave's pants, and he shoved a finger right up inside of Dave violently, making him groan with disgust and shy away.
"N-no!" He wrenched himself backwards against the railing, but with too much force, too far out. He felt himself overbalancing, and his heart grew cold. Everything slowed down to a crawl. He saw Brain make a snatch for him, and watched as he missed. He saw the look of panic in his face. He heard his own terrified scream, long and loud. And then time caught up again, and he was beyond rescue. "NO!"
He felt himself falling, as fast as the rain, faster, even, and everything went cold and black as he hurtled south, and he knew that it was the end...
He screamed again, but then suddenly, he wasn't falling anymore.
Something warm and wet clothed him with weight, and he held on tight for dear life. Then he opened eyes that he wasn't even aware he'd closed, and glanced up at the drenched and dripping blonde, his wings beating hard against wind and rain, his hair plastered to his eyes and over his face.
Dave looked up at Kurt for a full ten seconds before he realized what he was seeing, that he'd been saved, and he cried out in relief. He clung to Kurt like a second skin, trembling, pressing his face to the warm, rain-soaked curve of Kurt's neck. He was crying, tears mixing with rain water. But in the downpour, neither noticed.
"K-kurt," he moaned, and they flew up, up through the rain, past the clouds. "Oh God Kurt, is that you? I thought, oh God, I was a g-goner, I was fucking done for!"
Kurt just held him close, murmuring to him. "Jesus fuck, Dave, t-that was too, too close. What if I hadn't known where to f-fucking find you? What if I hadn't been there. What if-" He cut himself off, trying to forget that, not think about what could have been. He just focused on what was, and Dave noticed he was trembling violently.
"I, I'm sorry about before, Kurt. I didn't mean to put you down like that. And I wanted to be with you, even if I owned you for a week, or a month, a year, or not at all. I wanted to be with you, regardless. But, but I didn't want you to get hurt. Or fade away." I lost you once. I couldn't bare to go through losing you again, Kurt.
"It's okay." Kurt was gentle with him. "Don't you be sorry, I understand. But you don't need to worry about that anymore, okay? Somehow, it's going to be alright. This, this is the only way." Dave glanced up at him through the rain, and there faces were close, so close. Their noses were almost touching.
"Dave. I want to be completely honest with you right now. Do you get that?"
"I, I suppose so, but-"
That was all Kurt wanted - or needed - to hear before continuing. He hushed the other man. His wings were drenched and heavy but still strong, keeping them up in the sky. They went up. The rain cascaded down. "The thing is, I like you, Dave. I mean, I really, really like you. And I know how important it is for you to find a friend, and I don't mean to be selfish, or anything, but, but I want to be with you, too. Will you let me do that?"
"Please, Dave." He kept his voice low, but it was filled with urgency. Dave, in life and death, had never heard that kind of urgency in a person's voice before. That pleading, desperate, trusting tone. And all at once, he understood. "Please. I, I need you."
That, he couldn't resist. "Okay, Kurt."
Kurt laughed with relief, and would have performed a back flip if not for the bundle in his arms. "Okay, then! Great! Fucking great!" He couldn't help himself, he swooped, and then shot up into the air like a bullet. Dave screamed reproachfully, and Kurt laughed again.
Then their lips came together. Kurt's lips were cold but his tongue was warm, and they rose as they kissed, and Dave wasn't screaming anymore, and Kurt wasn't laughing anymore. They rose up past the heavy rain clouds and beyond, past the point where there was no clouds, no rain, up to Kurt's distant home which towered above it all. Nothing else could touch them, there. They kissed again, and Dave was happy.
Kurt helped his friend with his clothes. Together, they peeled the fabric from Dave's saturated body, and threw them, discarded, to the stone floor. Dave clutched at his dripping body, and shivered. "Fucking c-cold."
"Get down by the fire," Kurt offered, flinging off his own trousers unselfconsciously. "And warm yourself up."
Dave felt a little awkward and shy as he knelt down on the rugs next to the fire. He got as close to the crackling flames as he dared, and sighed with relief in the warm glow. His skin was already beginning to dry. Far below them, the storm was raging on; Dave could hear the distant roll of the thunder and steady downpour of rain. He ran his hands over his bare arms, and shivered again.
"Here." The blonde returned with a blanket, and draped it over Dave's shoulders. The cold was immediately vanquished.
"Thanks," he murmured, turning his head to look at Kurt. He realized a split second too late that Kurt had taken off his clothes, and found himself staring at Kurt's full-blown, naked body. He was silhouetted in fire light, and covered in thousands of droplets of rain water. Dave forgot everything else, including how to look away, suddenly lost for breath.
"Hey there." Kurt was unfazed, he just smiled. But Dave was mortified, he immediately ducked his head, the blush rising on his cheeks.
"Don't be shy." Kurt sat down beside him on the rug. A blanket of his own was wrapped around his shoulders. He looked from Dave to the fire, and his eyes glowed like embers. "We can take this as slow as you want." Dave could have whimpered, tendrils of desire snaked through him at Kurt's words.
But he restrained himself for the time being, and took Kurt's hand in his own. "Thank you," he said simply, and wished he could better express just how much he was feeling. The feelings were immense.
"S'okay." Kurt's other hand went to Dave's neck, and parted the folds of blanket covering his skin. Dave blushed again. "Sorry," Kurt murmured. "I just wanted to look at your tattoos. I haven't seen them properly before." Dave remained silent and the blanket slipped down, revealing his shoulders, neck, and torso. He didn't have the muscle definition that he'd had as a drummer, fifteen years ago. But he still felt reasonably comfortable with his figure, and besides, Kurt was tenderly stroking the drawings on his shoulders in a way he couldn't resist.
"They're nice, Dave." The blonde's voice was sweet as he traced the curves of ink on his shoulders and arms, and then up to the back of his neck. "I like them." Dave shivered; that part of his anatomy had always been very sensitive.
For the longest time, they simply stared at each other, and there was no sound save the distant storm and crackling of the fire before them. Kurt's eyes were softened, by firelight or by emotion, it was impossible to tell. Either way, they were almost everything Dave remembered them to be. And they were begging Dave to trust him.
Slowly, as if in a trance, Kurt let the blanket drop from his shoulders to puddle on the floor behind him, and Dave gawked at his bare skin, unable to stop himself. A hint of a smile touched the blonde's lips when he saw Dave's breath hitch, then quicken.
"Kurt." He reached for Dave, and pulled the blanket completely away, tossing it aside carelessly. Dave's eyes stayed fixed on the other man; they flickered with desire. He was tentative, almost ready but not quite there yet. And then he spied the expression in Kurt's eyes, that naked need, and his hesitation melted away like butter.
"Dave?" Kurt's body as an entity was poised, quivering, asking Dave the all-important question. Do you want this?
Dave's response was low, whispered, and the only one he would ever have to give. "Now."
They came together in one fluid movement, and Dave lowered the blonde carefully to the floor, so he was sprawled out on his back. He laid like that, open and supple and soft, and to Dave, he'd never looked more beautiful. A moment was all it took, before he mustered his courage and climbed on top of his new lover.
Dave may have been shy but Kurt certainly wasn't; he knew what it was he wanted. With new purpose he surged, and pulled Dave down against him, dragged him down. He growled, latched onto Dave's mouth with his teeth, and sucked his bottom lip greedily. For the first time, in as long as he could possibly remember, he wanted it. He actually wanted it. No that's an understatement. The desire was driving him crazy.
"Dave." His moan was desperate and he explored Dave's body as Dave explored his right on back. Someone was trembling, Kurt couldn't figure out which one of them it was. It didn't matter, anyway. Nothing mattered except the fucking here, and now. "Please..." He whispered, and was consumed. Dave pressed his open mouth to Kurt's, but the blonde wouldn't be silenced. He moaned through Dave's lips. "Need you so f-fucking bad..."
Dave wasn't about to argue, like he even could, at this point. He sat back against Kurt's hips and lifted his legs up, over his shoulders. It was so strange, how something new and foreign could come so easily, but it did, so he didn't fight it. He just glided, and Kurt ached his hips to guide him to the right spot. "It's... here."
"Fucking now!" Dave sucked in his stomach, gripping Kurt's shoulders in white-knuckled anticipation, and jerked forwards.
"Fu-uck!" He hadn't been planning on screeching like a girl, but when Dave filled him, there was fuck all Kurt could do to stop himself. He could feel it, felt every separate movement like it was happening in slow motion. Dave was burning him, but it was the best burn in the world. He never wanted it to end. "Dave," he gasped, and pulled him down into his lap. Heat filled his insides, and he howled. "Goddamn it, Dave!"
Dave was beyond speaking at this point. He didn't want to speak anyway, and fuck up what little magic he'd been able to create. He concentrated all his efforts into keeping his breathing steady, and controlling his urges enough to spare Kurt any pain. He placed a hand on Kurt's chest to steady himself, and picked up a wild heartbeat. It made him smile, and he found his voice.
"Uh-huh." It was obvious in the atmosphere to the point of being tangible, when Kurt gave passed all control over to his lover. He fell back, laying himself out beneath Dave like a religious offering. His eyes were dark and wide, completely trusting. Dave found his level of trust almost scary, and he smiled shyly. "Please..."
"I'm, I'm not sure..."
"It's okay. It's easy." The blonde was patient, and stroked the back of Dave's neck with one gentle finger. Dave felt that touch radiate all the way deep into his spine, and became bold. He took a firm hold of Kurt's shoulders. With great care, he slid himself carefully out of the smaller man's body and then pushed firmly back in, locking their hips together. Kurt gasped, and stiffened up. "G-god, Dave..."
His thrusts became more fluid with his increase in confidence; there was certainly something more than just sex at work here. Together, they developed an easy rhythm, something not unlike the music they had created so many years ago. Harsh and hard, but with beautiful, melodic undertones. They nuzzled blindly, each parted, panting mouth searching for the other. "Gonna... gonna go harder."
"Okay." Dave shifted his hips, ramming upwards and at a new angle. Through the grunts and groans, he brought a hand down, over Kurt's heaving stomach, down, into his crotch. One touch elicited a heavy groan and a shudder from the blonde. It made Dave grin, to know he had control. Miraculous control. He gripped, carefully, and pumped in the way he knew would feel best. Again, he shifted, up on his knees, and it made Kurt spasm and convulse. Encouraged, he did it again, this time finding that miracle spot deep in the male body, and finding it perfectly. He scraped against Kurt's prostate, and Kurt howled and gargled and screamed all at once.
"O-oh, oh my fucking God..."
Dave flipped his damp hair out of his face, and locked eyes with the man beneath him.
"Kurt." His muscles were quivering expectantly; there were hintings of an orgasm growing inside him already. He let one of his hands drop from Kurt's shoulder, and planted it down on the rug below for support. He gripped for purchase, for relief.
His other hand stayed hard at work, rubbing Kurt's tip with a calloused thumb. Kurt whimpered, and bucked his hips each and every time the hand on him squeezed. He couldn't remember the last time someone had pleasured him during sex. He realized then what it was supposed to be like, what being with someone was supposed to be like, and had he been any more aware of his thoughts, the notion probably would have broken his heart. "Dave..." Dave's timing was flawless; a drummer to the end. His head fell forwards and he grunted in effort, his dark hair falling forwards as well, tickling Kurt's cheek maddeningly.
It was at the point now, where it was hard to form words. "So, uh, so close, Kurt. I... uh... I'm gonna..." Dave gave up on vocalization then, it just didn't seem important enough to worry about. All he could do was thrust, in and out, so fast now, it made Kurt want to explode. He was writhing beneath Dave in a cloud of sweat and harsh, blurting breath, moaning incoherent things mixed with obscene swear words, damp blonde hair sticking out in all directions. The personification of lust.
"Please, Dave." Like a bitch, he begged, and arched into the fist on his cock. "Please, I, oh fuck..." He shuddered, free falling into climax, and then he was gone. "Dave!"
He exploded into Dave's fist, and was flooded with something almost too immense to bear. Never, not once in the Afterlife, had he ever been brought to orgasm first. Not once.
He heard Dave whisper his name huskily, and something broke open inside of him, filling him with heat. Then he realized it was Dave's orgasm. It made him cry out and shudder, the sensation of being filled never got old, never dulled in it's intensity, but this time, it was different. Because he wasn't just a sex-toy. He mattered. He fucking mattered.
These thoughts were just half-thoughts, really; his brain had lost the capacity to do anything more. Fuck thinking, he didn't want to think. He just wanted to ride the waves, and look up at his Dave. Blessed Dave, gorgeous Dave.
"Kurt," he murmured tiredly, and withdrew. He rolled over onto the rug and pulled the suddenly delicate and fragile blonde against his chest. He kissed the soft spot between Kurt's eyes, and tasted sweat.
Kurt's pulse was a raging storm.
They were both panting.
"D-dave... that, that was..."
"Yeah." They didn't say it. All they had to do was smile, and that was enough. Dave held his knew lover, and relished in how supple his skin was. In how warm he was. How fucking real he was, after fifteen years, he was real again. That in itself was a real life, fucking miracle. Dave had his frontman back.
They kissed softly, and tongues flicked together.
Dave considered himself blessed.