I strummed my guitar and looked over at Krist. He nodded at me and began playing. Chad began pounding on the drums and I began to play the chords to our song If You Must. Krist began to strum the bass and Chad was pounding on the drums. I prepared myself and put my hands on the strings of the guitar. I chimed the solo with my guitar and sang at the same time. " I can read, I can write. I can breed, proven flight, nurse my greed, crease infold is me or my ego? goooo, write some words make them rhyme, Thesis or storyline. Set the mood, something new. Is it me or my attituddddeeeeee." I began to scream the lyrics. "If you want to put off an image, the extremes, the extremes, act it out. Practicing, perfecting, pressuring. Onto me, onto me, onto me!" I set my voice to a low angry tone and grasped the mic with my hands. " I will wade in the fire. To explain your asylum. idle times, analyzing." I screamed the lyrics into the mic once more. "We'll compare all our sightings! You mussstttt!" I stopped screaming and let myself play the tiny solo and catch my breath. The beat slowed and I began to sing again. "I speak.. to hear... MY VOICE!" I stopped singing, played the chords once again and prepared to sing it all over again. "I can read, I can write. I can breed, proven flight. Nurse my greed, crease infold. Is it me, or my egooooo? Write some words, make them rhyme, thesis orr storyline. Set the mood, something new. Is it me or my attituuuude? The beat sped up again and I prepared myself to sing the outro intensely. "If you want to put on an image, The extremes, the extremes! Act it out! Practicing, perfecting, pressuring! Onto me, onto me, onto me, onto me, onto me, onto me, onto me! You mussss...t" I whipped my hair out of my face. The crowd began to clap and I turned and looked at Krist and Chad. "You wanna do Love Buzz too?" Krist asked over the clapping. "Yeah." I said, practicing the chords to it. The crowd stopped clapping and sat down again waiting for us to do more. Krist began the intro by playing first, then chad began pounding on the drums and then me. "This one is for Krist and Shelli." I said into the mic, looking at the bride. Shelli smiled at me and gave us all a thumbs up.
After Love Buzz was over I decided to take a break. My throat felt dry and achy from all of the effort I put into singing. I kind of wanted to sing more.. I always sang at least 5 or more songs when me and the boys got together but I guess today I just wasn't feeling it. "Hey I think I'm done for the night dudes." I said walking over to Krist and Chad. "Alright. So I can bring up the other band?" Krist said with sweat running down his forehead. What? Krist payed another band to preform here? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Its almost like Krist knew I'd wanna give up for the night. I felt my stomach pains start to kick in as soon as Krist put up his guitar and step off stage. "Oh, yeah. Go ahead." I said quietly. I adjusted my guitar strap and took a quick look over in Chads direction. Chad was wiping his face with a dirty rag to get rid of his sweat. I turned back around and adjusted the mic back into place while I slipped the guitar strap over my head. I carefully held onto my guitar as I was walking to my guitar case near the corner of the tiny stage. I bent down and opened up the case slowly and set my beautiful guitar in its spot. I closed the case, locked the hinges quickly and picked it up to set in the corner. I stood up all the way and felt sweat trickle down my temple. I looked into the crowd and saw everyone drinking wine and talking to the people at their tables. I saw Tracy laughing with some guy and sip some wine in a fancy glass. The room was filled with happiness and celebration and I seemed to be the opposite of that. The room was so loud.. Everyone was yelling now. I stepped off stage and looked at my feet while I tried to make my way through the tables to find a quieter spot for myself. As I walked by a certain table, I felt someone grab my arm. I stopped in my tracks and looked up quickly to see who was doing this. It was my buddy Buzz Osborne. "Hey man good show tonight." Buzz said over everyone's voices in the room. I looked at him and then my arm. Buzz realized I was uncomfortable and quickly let go of my arm. I brushed off my arm and smirked at Buzz. "Thanks." Buzz chuckled and looked over in Krist and Shelli's direction. "You happy for him?" Buzz said looking back at me. "Oh god yeah. Hes wanted this for a long fucking time." I said looking into Buzz's eyes. Buzz was an awesome guy. I met him in Montasano. He was the one introduced me Punk Rock at the time. He was lead singer of one of my favorite bands called the Melvins. Buzz had fluffy black permed hair with brown eyes. Buzz was 5'9 and was at the really young age of 26. He was only 3 years older than I was. Buzz was wearing a worn out black tux with some mud covered black biker boots. Buzz was in my older band Fecal Matter but after I disbanded he founded the Melvins. I didn't really mind that though, He seemed he was doing better there than where we were before. Buzz and I went to high school along with Krist. Buzz had some major talent. I was actually surprised he made it here. He was usually too busy touring with his band mates Dale Crover, Jared Warren, Coady Williams. Ive barely met Jared and Coady.. but Dale used to also be in my older band Fecal Matter and Nirvana. He was an amazing drummer and bassist. I always loved his effort he put into the drums and guitar when we were practicing. Buzz seemed pretty relaxed. Buzz leaned back in his chair and looked up at me. "How are you and Tracy?" Buzz asked. "Oh. We're uh, well.." I stuttered. Buzz sat there patiently waiting for me to reply. "Pretty swell. "Yeah? That's good" Buzz asked. I got tired of standing and pulled up a chair next to Buzz from the empty table behind me. "Did you go christmas shopping at all yet?" I sat down and played with my hands. "Not exactly.. I know for sure my shopping skills aren't the best.." I said leaning over to Buzz closer to drown out everyone else's voices. "Ah man, Its usually the guys shopping skills is shit." Buzz said laughing. I smirked and looked around to see where Chad and Krist were. "You wanna go smoke out there?" Buzz said taking out his lighter and box cigarettes. I looked at his lighter and thought for a second. I guess I wouldn't mind.. Peoples loud conversations were starting to give me a damn headache. "Yeah man, lets go." I said taking a cigarette from him. Buzz and I got up from our chairs and walked towards the doors that led outside. Buzz walked behind me as I opened up the doors. Buzz moved a broken piece of ice to keep the door from shutting and locking on us. Buzz lit my cigarette and looked out into the distance. It was really dark and cold outside.. But what did I expect? Its only December. I put my cigarette in mouth and inhaled the nicotine.
After Buzz and I went back inside we talked for a couple more hours before Krist offered to take me home. "Hey man, Shelli and I are headed out." I looked around the room and saw everyone else leaving. Where was Tracy? Shes probably at home already.. Passed out in our bed. I forgot about Tracy and looked around some more. The room looked messy. There was empty wine glasses either tipped over or tipped up with lip stick staining the rim of the glasses. Chairs were pulled out and table cloths were crinkled with cake crumbs on them. "Wait are you offering to take me home?" I asked looking over at Krist. "Yeah. We dont live that far away from you." Shelli said looking at Krist. I got up from my chair and shook Buzz's hand. "Well it was nice seeing you man." I said walking over next to Krist and his new wife. Buzz smiled and got up from his chair. "Anytime dude. Good talkin to ya, I'll call you soon man." Buzz said walking towards the exit. "Aye man good luck with touring." I yelled to Buzz. Buzz kept walking and waved his hand in the air. "Wheres Chad?" I asked. "He went home about an hour ago. He asked if we could pack up his stuff and bring it to my place until he came to practice with us again." I walked up to the small stage and grabbed my mic and guitar from the corner. Krist kissed Shelli and told her to go wait in the car for us. Krist made his way up to me and grabbed his guitar case. "Hey man go grab that cart over there. We could use it for our cases and Chads drums." I looked up and saw Krist point to my left. I set down my things and wheeled the cart near Krist and watched him set down his things. I put my things on there and then helped Krist take apart Chads drums. Krist and I stood around the cart and tried to catch our breaths before we walked outside to the car. Krist gave me a high five and began to walk towards the exit. I followed Krist without helping him and closed the exit door shut. Krist loaded all of our things into the back of his van. I opened the side door to the van and got in, trying to avoid the cold. I slammed the squeaky door shut and looked out the window waited for Krist. After Krist got in the car, Krist started up the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. My eyes began to feel heavy as soon as Krist began to get onto the highway. Krist and Shelli didnt say much on the way home. I was actually kind of surprised sense Shelli was a fucking chatter box. Good thing she cant read my mind. I smirked, closed my eyes and leaned my head on the window. "Kurt? Hey, wake up man its time to go inside." Krist said slamming his seat into my legs. I opened my eyes quickly and rubbed my knees. That was un called for. Krist and Shelli both said their goodbyes to me as I got out of the car. I stayed quiet and slammed the car door shut. I rubbed my eyes and put my hands in my pockets to grab my keys. I was fully awake now. I trudged in the snow to my apartment and put my keys into the lock. I opened up the door to my lit apartment and threw off my soaked shoes. I slammed the door shut and walked over to the couch to slump in it. I looked over and saw the Christmas tree and box full Christmas decorations sitting in the corner of the room. I got up and stuck my hand in the box and grabbed some lights to put on the tree. I plugged out the lights and wrapped them around the tree. I reached back into the box and grabbed some ornaments to stick on the branches of the tree. After I was done decorating the tree I sighed a sigh of relief. "There ya go Tracy." I stepped back and looked at the tree. I walked over to the couch and slumped back into it. I turned on the t.v and relaxed for a bit.
When I finally started to relax, I heard the lock to the door of the apartment jiggle. I sat up quickly and saw Tracy walk into my view. Tracy rubbed her hand against the light switch causing it to turn off and on again. Tracy stumbled into the wall and looked at me. Tracy burped and walked over to the couch where I was at. "Heeey." Tracy said, trying to sit on my lap. I moved quickly watched her fall into the couch. "What was that f-for" Tracy said in a snotty tone. "Did you drive home like this?" I asked. Tracy smiled and played with her hair. "No but one of Shelli's brothers took me home." Anger began to wash over me. "Alright well you should get to bed, babe." I said reaching for Tracy's arm. "No, I'm fine." Tracy said, smacking my arm away. "Tracy, I-" "Can you like... shut up?" Tracy said interrupting me. "Tracy, you're making this difficult." I said trying to put off my anger. "Why are you telling me what to do!" Tracy wined. Tracy hiccuped and got up off the couch. "Lets go to bed." I said, gently grabbing her hand. Tracy removed her hand from mine and gave me a dirty look. "Are you trying to get me in bed with you?" Tracy said in a angry tone. I sat there for a second and felt my face get hot. What does she think shes doing? I barely even speak to her and she starts to treat me like this..? I looked at the ground for a second and calmed myself down. "Just give her a break Kurt.. shes piss drunk for god sakes." I sat there for a second, trying to figure what to do next. "Here you can have my spot babe." I said, getting off the couch, chasing after her. I gently put my hands on her shoulders and escorted her towards the couch. Tracy just stayed quiet and wobbled in her footsteps trying to go to the couch. I let go of her shoulders and Tracy fell face first into the couch. Tracy rolled over roughly causing her dress to expose her butt. Oh man. I went to our bedroom and grabbed an extra blanket for Tracy. I reached in Tracy's side of the closet and grabbed a soft pink comforter from the shelf. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and headed back downstairs. If only she wasn't drunk. I wasn't good at this shit. Tracy always seemed to take care of me. Wait, didn't I see her drinking water earlier? I entered the living room and looked at Tracy. I guess she drank more than water afterwards. I took the blanket off my shoulders and covered up Tracy. I guess Tracy was already asleep. Well then. That was easier than I fucking thought. I looked down and noticed Tracy still had her shoes on. I walked closer to her feet and took off her high heels. I never understood how women could wear those things. I picked up her shoes and threw them next to mine on the shoe rug right by the front door. Ugh my back hurt. Again. I placed my hand on my back without any thought and tried to soothe the pain. I turned the light off and walked over to the t.v. I wanted to turn the t.v down so it wouldn't disturb her but it just so happened she was laying on it. I made my way into the kitchen and decided to make myself a little snack. I opened the sky blue cabinets and drawers, searching for peanut butter, bread and a knife. I could barely see. I flipped on the dull light to the kitchen and searched some more. One of the drawers made a loud screeching sound as I opened it. Shit. I peaked over the corner and saw Tracy laying on the couch still sleeping. Oh thank god. I thought she might've woken up from that. I looked back at all the open cabinets and drawers and wondered if I still wanted a sandwich. I wasn't even hungry when I decided to make a snack. Whatever. I don't wanna eat anymore. I decided to keep everything else open because if I did close them, it would for sure wake her up this time. I didn't want that. Not when shes like that at least. I grabbed my notebook off of counter and made my way up to our bedroom. Looks like I'm not sleeping tonight. Oh well. I needed to get shit done. Even though I was lazy when it came to working on things, I actually had some motivation this time. The stairs creaked as I was making my way up to my bedroom. I was out of breath already. Ugh. I caught my breath as I sat on my bed. Our bedroom wasn't exactly small but it wasn't big either. It wasn't in the best shape too. The floor was covered with me and Tracy's clothes, along with dirty paint brushes, paper and some guitar picks I thought I lost weeks ago. I was surprised Tracy hasn't cleaned it up yet. Our hamper was over flowing with clothes and our dresser was holding some of the dirty clothes we've worn over and over again. I set my notebook down beside me and looked out the window. The sun was already starting to come up. I stopped procrastinating and finally began to write down some more song lyrics. It was going pretty well actually. I had a lot of songs already finished. I wasn't sure what to name some though. I tapped the pencil on the paper and began to think really hard. I licked my lips and scooted up so I could lean against the wall while I doodled next to my song lyrics. I looked up from my notebook and stared at my half finished clay babies. I couldn't figure out what to do. I set my notebook down and got up. I walked over to my clay babies and sat down in the chair. I wanted to make some for Tracy.
I sat there for hours finishing the babies for Tracy. I hummed softly as I put the finishing touches on Tracy's gift. I wonder what time it was. No, I don't even have time for that. Come on, come on. I needed to focus. I stopped what I was doing and got up from the chair to stretch. I walked back over to my bed and sat down. I flipped back a couple pages and looked at my finished lyrics. I had no idea why I chose to play If You Must at Krist and Shelli's wedding, I didn't really like that song. Fuck. ok, ok back to the notebook. Lets see here.. Aero Zeppelin was okay. That was an older one that I did with Dale a while back. Beeswax.. Pen Cap Chew, hmmm. Mexican Seafood, Hairspray Queen. Oh. I found an older version of Downer. Same lyrics but I sang it slower on Fecal Matter and faster on Bleach. Okay. Lets go to more recent stuff. I flipped a couple pages forward and skimmed through the lyrics. Dive was finished. So was Big Long Now and Polly. Polly was more recent than the others. I liked Polly a lot. I remember reading the news paper and seeing an article of a girl being raped outside of a concert. That's pretty much how I came to the idea of this song. I didn't like rape. Rape wasn't right at all. It was terrible and disgusting thing. Especially for anyone who thought it was okay. I flipped through more pages forward to the stuff that wasn't finished yet. Pay to Play. Hm. That was good too. Needs its finishing touches though. I skimmed through the lyrics of one that didn't have a name yet. I flipped one page over and sang Breed in my head. Breed was also good. I just needed more time to practice all of these. I looked up from my notebook and glanced out the window again. I crossed my legs and tossed my notebook aside. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my oily face. Ugh. I felt extremely tired all of a sudden. I fell at the foot of the bed and closed my eyes. Just one more minute. I'll lay here for one minute and relax.. Just need to close my eyes.. My eyes fluttered open for a second and then slowly fell back down. Then I can finally.. Do it.