Chapter 1: Misery Loves Solitude
“Please just let it end” he panted into the night air.
Axl looked at the street beneath him, thousands of people living there lives. He wanted the same as they all did.
It was nauseating thinking about the fall. Felt like he was almost miles in the sky.
He closed his eyes again and remembered the leap he took off that ship when he filmed the video for estranged.
Plunging in the ocean washing away all his pain he hoped for the same tonight.
His toes peaked over the ledge as he stood with his fingers spread and palms out feeling the wind flow around him.
The simple three letter word broke all build-up to his spontaneous and inevitable end. Coming from the unlit part of the patio, behind him the voice felt familiar.
“Do you have a light?” the voice sounded closer now with foot steps to follow
“Yea” Axl patted all his pockets till he found his Zippo and held it out for the stranger.
“You can keep it” not that he needed it in the position he was in.
“Um thanks I’ll just hold on to it” there was caution in the stranger’s voice.
He could hear the metal clang of his once lighter being flicked open.
“Look If you don’t mind I would rather be alone right now” He didn’t care if whoever was standing behind him wanted to be his audience or not he just didn’t want him calling the police.
A cold hand brushed against his fingertips gently placing a lit cigarette between them. Axl didn’t know how to take this gesture. As he turned to this stranger who interrupted the single most solitary act he could commit to himself. He felt his stomach drop faster than the plummet itself. The last person he wanted to see him like this.
He could see the smaller man standing in silence holding himself with his striped sleeves pulled over his fingertips.
“If you’re cold why don’t you just go inside” in a half ass attempt to get him to leave.
He was met with silence. This began to stir other emotions in him the warning sign of an eruption was on the horizon.
“Alright Kurt why don’t you do something useful and give me shove if you’re just going to stand there” Axl spat in a forceful tone.
“You know if you wanted out of Geffen’s party so bad you could have just left through the kitchen door no one would have noticed” said with slight sarcasm.
“Fuck off. Or don’t sit here and watch I’m sure you love this.”
“So what about your band? The fans and anybody else?”
“The band was never meant to be forever and you already know what happens to the fans and there is nobody else. This right here would be my latest and greatest accomplishment ’’
There was what could have been several minutes of silence between them. Axl wasn’t sure if Kurt was even there anymore.
When Axl turned the man was still there but now with a worried expression drawn on his face he still had his sleeve pulled over his finger tips and was now shivering.
“Well are you going to be useful or fuck off?”
Kurt stepped behind Axl; he braced himself for the fall.
He felt a cold hand slide into his and a tug. Kurt stood beside him on the ledge hand-in-hand nervously peering down at the street now below them. Axl instinctively squeezed his hand like a vice around Kurt as he tip toed so close to the edge. All the fear he should have felt for himself falling was now directed to Kurt and he could have sworn he felt ledge crumble from under them.
“Neither might I as well join you” Kurt said in a calm voice.
“Are you crazy?”
“Yes. Yes I am, I’m so crazy that if we jump right now this can be one of the greatest stories in rock’n’roll history how about that for latest and greatest” Kurt remained mesmerize by the sight of the street moving beneath them.
Axl wasn’t sure if he was just as serious as he was or just antagonizing him.
“How do you know I won’t jump and bring you down with me”
“I don’t.” Kurt said in a flat tone.
Axl knew this had to end now there was no way he was going to drag Kurt down with him.
With one swift move Axl stepped back down to the patio and yanked Kurt back with him catching him with his one free arm and still tightly gripping his hand.
Axl pressed the younger man’s body against him tightly as the gravity of the situation hit them both. He could feel Kurt’s breathing pick-up as if he was drowning.
On that dark roof top between the street and the stars he held Kurt’s trembling frame and re-assured him that they were okay and more importantly he was okay.
Axl wasn’t ready to leave the roof top, he never thought he would feel protective or concern for Kurt’s feelings until this moment. He held Kurt until the panic left and then he held some more to keep him warm.
This was the first time he had ever been this close to him. His hands found themselves tracing the spine of the other man finding that he was only made of bird bones under all those heavy sweaters. The curve of his back is where Axl stopped leaving him wanting a little more and questioning himself.
Kurt stood there in perfect stillness resting his head on Axls collarbone his arms wrapped around his neck hands tangled in his hair and the cold night air prickling his skin.
“Let’s get out of here” Axl broke the silence between them.
“We can take the fire escape down”
Axl followed Kurt down the spiralling fire escape, deeply regretted the episode he had earlier. Knowing his luck he would end up tomorrow’s Star or Enquirer. Kurt had to witness all of this made it a million times worse.
When they reached the ground it wasn’t the bright lit street Axl spent so much time admiring but very dimly lit alley. He felt a relief that would be temporary. The loud cackling voice at the end of that alley and around the corner belonged to Courtney.
Axl reacted immediately and gritted his teeth. This would only end badly.
“Fuck this.” As he turned on the spot.
Kurt picked up his pace following Axl down the crowded dumpster filled walk way.
“Where are you going? The voice echoed
“Back to my Hotel” As he stopped in his tracks.
Axl looked back at Kurt he still had the same sadness in his mesmerizing baby blues. He took Kurt by the hand and pulled him behind the dumpster. Kurt couldn’t look Axl in the eye. Axl almost swore that Kurt was being shy.
“Thank You” with complete sincerity.
“I didn’t do anything.” Kurt shifted uncomfortably
Kurt looked up to the taller man “ Are you going to be okay?”
Axl felt the urge to do something completely impulsive and even more regrettable what happened earlier. His eyes lingered to his blush pink lips his hands rested on his hips with his fingertips slowly pulling through his sweater searching finally finding his heated skin.
“Just go, I’ll be fine” Axl whispered in Kurt’s ear
The walk home was long and filled with cringe worthy thoughts.
“You did enough damage Axl.” The red head muttered to himself as he walked down the littered boardwalk. A lone steel garbage can got the shit end of Axls emotions as he land one swift kick denting it and leaving it to spill and spew trash everywhere.
He took a look around him to make sure nobody was around before dipping being a building.
Axl patted his pockets until he found a small tin box with his last joint still perfectly rolled. He needed some relief . He reached into his pockets just to come out empty. His lighter was with Kurt.
“FUCK!” it echoed in the empty streets.
This walk was going to be long and now all of his thoughts were consumed with Kurt. This had to be strangest night he had ever experienced
He imagined Courtney’s obnoxious cackle . Axl was happy he avoided her, Axl had a habit of making people shut up.
“No.” He shook his head as he walked it wasn’t a good time to start getting worked up over this.
Axl found his Hotel with a very friendly bell hop who was more than eager to light his joint.
His room was in a hellish state his wardrobe spread all over the floor and bed. Empty whisky bottles littered around his King size bed.
Axl threw off his coat right at the door on to the floor with everything else. He peeled out of his jeans and t shirt now in the buff. He flopped on the bed and kept smoking there was so many questions he had about Kurt.
Why did Kurt follow him to the ledge?
Did he think Axl was the type of guy to take somebody down with him? Neither of them had a high opinion of each other but he didn’t think he was that bad?
Axl wasn’t afraid of the fall not that he wanted to die so desperately it’s just that he just knew he would keep losing whatever good he got. It’s been like that since the start. The pain of loss, Ups and downs not just in life but in his moods, not even he knew what Axl would come out. It made the downs that much more painful.
His thoughts slowly calmed as he finished his joint staring at the stucco ceiling.
Axl ran his hand down his toned stomach and thought about his arms wrapped around Kurt. He remembered that his hair smelled like coconuts and how it felt to have him near. Those eyes he didn’t have to say much for Axl to know.
What was under all those layers?
Why so shy in the alley?
Axl went to bed with more questions than anything.
Chapter 2: Sleep to Keep Dreaming
Axl shifted in the warm sheets and shut his eyes once more to the red sky and setting sun, pulling the blanket over his head hiding from the turmoil from yesterday. At least he was safe in his dreams, so he thought.
He was on that rooftop again, there was no cars below and no stars in the sky just darkness. The stone ledge beneath him and Kurt’s feet began to crumble and gave way so quickly. He couldn’t let go of his hand quick enough to save him. He could feel his heart palpitate as he thought about himself being the reason Kurt fell, the ground raced towards them fast and faster.
The sharp ring of his bedside phone ripped him out of his fall.
Axl blindly groped for it and when he found it he couldn’t find it in himself to speak to the human being on the other side.
Axl retreated back to his nest of hotel sheets.
Finding his way back into his dream scape with a deep sigh , Axl was back in that alley with his hands searching for the other man flesh under his sweater feeling hungry for something he hadn’t had yet. Teasing the other mans lips with just barely a kiss, pushing him against the brick walls and ravaging him completely making him plead to not do this in the alley because Courtney might see them.
The intrusive pulse echoed in the alley way blurring the line between asleep and awake.
Axl laid in bed for a few seconds longer taking in the dream he just had, hearing Kurt moan and plead had stirred something inside him. A memory of a dream he would save for later. The redhead ripped himself out of his bed the cold contrasting air made him shiver.
Grabbing the phone he couldn’t care less who was on the other end. “Why the fuck are you calling me?” Axl spat in a harsh tone
Axl was met with momentary silence and static. He shifted where he sat and questioned if he should just unplug the phone all together.
“Sorry for bothering you” The voice was shaky
“You woke me up.” Axl still feeling the effects of his slumber
“Sounds like you’re back to your old self” The voice had become clearer and sounded unimpressed.
“ Cya around ”
Axl realized in his hazy state that he had ruined what little chance he had of ever re-connecting with Kurt.
“Wait don’t hang up, I just rolled out of bed….How are you?” Axl cursed himself for making the conversation both awkward and mundane.
“Um I’m good I was going to come by earlier but I didn’t want to wake you up”
“Well I’m happy to wake up to your voice” Axl stretching out on the bed again and running his fingers through his strawberry locks, he was reminded of the dream of him and Kurt .
“I should have stayed with you last night” Kurt’s voice quivered.
“You should stay with me tonight”
Axl stared at his reflection in the steam filled bathroom for some time. His soaking scarlet locks tangled and twisted against his firm body, his beard reminded him of how much of a hermit he had become since the split and the band falling apart.
“What am I doing?” as he stared at himself in the mirror. Question every feeling and intention he had towards Kurt.
“Last night was a product of a botched suicide attempt derailed by somebody who up to yesterday couldn’t stand you” hearing this come out of his own mouth made it seem so much more absurd.
“What today will be, I do not know.”
The trees had shed most of their leaves leaving the brittle crooked branches exposed. There was few places in the world where they would not be recognized together. The park Kurt chose was the only place in the city where there wasn’t another living soul.
Axl could see the orange glow of the tip of a lit cigarette and a figure slumped over on the bench. Axl took a seat beside the figure.
“you made it” Kurt said in a strained voice.
“You don’t have to check on me I’m not your psyche patient, I don’t have plans to take the leap anytime soon.”
Axl felt too exposed to Kurt he knew too much for someone who he knew too little about.
“ Yea well I believe in empathy and giving a shit about other people even if I don’t know them”
Kurt lifted his head just enough to look Axl in the eye.
The silence between them was filled with sound of leaves being blown against the walkway.
“You’re too quiet” Axl observed
“I have a stomach thing” Kurt flicked his cigarette out onto the walk-way.
“Are you going to be okay?” Axl not being satisfied with Kurt’s answer
“This is normal for me”
Axl watched as he tugged and unraveled a stray piece of wool from the sleeve of his sweater.
“Do you want to go home?” Axl leaned against the back of the bench,
“I prefer not too” Kurt pulled in the woolen string until it snapped but still said nothing.
Axl didn’t know how to take this. He just wanted him around. Axl slipped his hand into his own and pulled him to his feet.
“We can hang out at my place”
“Yea sure” as Kurt flashed the smallest smile.
Kurt stood in the center of Axls hotel room and took-in the dilapidated state that Axl had created.
“I don’t know why I expected it to be any other way” as Kurt traced his finger around the edge of a large hole in the wall.
“I’ve been hiding out here for awhile” Axl feeling he should give some explanation to why the hotel looks as it does.
“Why don’t you just go home?”
“What’s the difference between here and home” Axl stated so bluntly.
“About a few hundred dollars or more a night” Kurt then kicked off his converse and collapsed on the bed . Axl did the same staring at the same stucco ceiling he memorized night after night.
“You know its kind of fucked up that you’re living out of a hotel room” as Kurt rolled onto his side to see Axls reaction.
“You know its kind of fucked up that for a big rock star you walk around in your pajamas all day” Axl giving Kurt a cheeky grin.
Kurt sat up and ripped his wool sweater over his head exposing his duck patterned pajamas.
“ You mean like these?”
Axl was now more distracted by how beautiful he was when he smiled, Something that happen so rarely.
“love em.” The intrusive feelings slowly worked their way to the surface the chance to be a little closer than they ever were before.
Kurt reached over Axl to the side table carefully grasping a tattered paperback novel. Axl was reminded of the smell of his coconut scented hair as his light body brushed up against his.
“This is way past worn out it must be good” Kurt flipping through the dog eared pages.
“Its pretty good one of my favorites, its going to be made into movie, won’t be as good as the book, I get to do a song for the film so good enough” Axl noticed Kurt wince and curl up.
“Is it your stomach again?” Axl feeling concerned and a little helpless.
“Yea” squeezing his eyes shut.
Axl felt compelled to comfort Kurt he just wanted to reach out and hold him much like the night before.
He reached out and ran his fingers through his golden locks. His hands were mesmerized by the man under them. Through the thin cotton shirt he could feel crevice of his spine lead down to his smooth exposed skin.
Kurt leaned into his touch looking up at Axl he spoke in a soft voice.
“Tell me what its about ?the book”
“Its about a man who feels he has lost the ones closest to him so he looks for death until death finds him in a form of a vampire who’s just as lonely he makes him into a vampire so he can be a companion. No matter what creator does the man doesn’t want to stay, they end up having two separate lives”
Axl took the opportunity to knead his fingers into the dimples of the other mans back. He could have sworn he heard a little moan.
“Sounds shitty for the creator” Kurt mused
“He ends up being a big rock star in the end“ as Axls fingers delicately trace down Kurt’s sensitive flesh along his spine.
“So are we, look how well that's turned out” Kurt put simply, as he arched his back into the other man’s touch.
Axl grew distracted as he reached up Kurts shirt scraping his nails against his skin just enough for him to feel it. Axl watched in fascination as Kurt struggled to not let out another moan.
Axl could feel his arousal directed to Kurt and all he wanted was to see him in as much pleasure as he could physically endure.
Kurt turned a shade of red as he avoided Axls gaze.
“I should get going I got an early flight” rolling off the bed, collecting his sweater and shoes in his arms
Axl wasn’t sure what he did wrong or why he was being rejected.
“Hey Axl I grabbed your book hope you don’t mind, it will give us something to talk about next time I see you, I’ll be in Malibu in two weeks”
As he slipped out of the room the door clicked behind him.
The room once crowded and cluttered felt empty.
Axl reclined back onto the bed feeling the spot where once Kurt laid still warm his scent still lingering.
Axl always enjoyed a good chase.