Notes: First time writing with this pair, but I’m excited to give them a try.
Leaving Tracy sleeping comfortably in the bed, I slide behind the wheel of my trusty Valiant. It’s quite the opposite of posh, but I trusted it to make the trek towards Krist and Shelli’s home.
Tracy could wake at any moment and question me on my motives of embarking on a two hour drive at two in the morning. I had two options. I could confess the truth: I was madly in love with our new-found drummer Dave Grohl. Or, from analyzing the previous confrontations, I could probably fabricate some ridiculous lie. As always, she would believe it.
I could make this escape seem like every other time or I could take the plunge; the ultimate leap that I somehow keep avoiding: confession. Really it is as simple as that. I could explain to Tracy that for the past months Dave and I have been carrying on more than a platonic relationship. I could also become more descriptive and admit that it’s now sexual. But alas, I’m too much of a wuss to take responsibility for my actions.
You see, Tracy satisfies some of my needs, but so does Dave. Tracy is a nurturer and she takes care of me whenever I screw up. Dave is artistic and passionate about what he does, always challenging me. (That could maybe be why the sex is so good.) But that really shouldn’t be what I base my judgement on. Dave could be nurturing too, we just probably haven't gotten to that step and if I don’t let him in I could lose him. God knows I don’t want that.
I crank up the radio, remembering the reason for why I was making this journey. It started a few weeks ago and I let it slide the first couple of times. Dave and I were venturing out to some clubs in Seattle during the weekends, without Tracy or Krist’s knowledge. At first I wanted the encounters so we would have more opportunities for sex; it seemed Tracy was hanging around the apartment more than usual. So the time for sex at our place was getting limited. I hadn’t noticed that Tracy was getting clingier and that our relationship was becoming more cemented, but clearly Dave had.
While out in public he would become more touchy feely with me and I wasn’t quite comfortable with this; even with Tracy. Most of all though, I was worried someone might spot us; I didn’t want this getting back to Tracy. Dave confronted me about it.
“Why are you doing this Kurt? Whenever we’re alone you’re fine with it. Am I only good for a fuck when you feel like it? Am I not good enough to be her?” There was contempt in his voice and I couldn’t blame him, but I was defensive.
“Don’t bring her into this. She has nothing to do with us.”
“But she has everything to do with us.” His tone was becoming harsher. “She’s the only thing that stands between us. You told me yourself that you just keep her around to mother you. I can be that for you Kurt, if you’ll just let me.”
“It’s not that Dave. I care about her and I can’t just hurt her. Give it some more time.” Really it made no sense to give excuses. I was growing old of Tracy and I’d told him this, but for some reason I didn’t want to let go.
“So I guess what you said last night didn’t mean anything.” I could sense him hiding tears. “Don’t bother going with me, I’m staying at a friends.” He threw himself off of the barstool and ran outside. I recalled the exchange last night. It had been one of the nights absent of sex; all I needed was to feel his arms on me. Before I knew it I was saying it, “I love you Dave.” I hadn’t even told Tracy this yet and we’ve been dating for five months. I had only ever told it to her in notes, never actually spoken it. I was waiting for him to pull away or say something, but he just kissed my forehead.
“I love you too Kurt.” Then I experienced the most passionate sexual intimacy of my life. No orgasm before had ever compared to what he’d given me. It was like losing my virginity all over again. I wiped a few stray tears from my eyes and re-gripped the steering wheel.
I was ready to start over for Dave and I realized this after he left that night. Before then I couldn’t comprehend what it felt like to really miss someone like I missed him. In his absence, my stomach pain was acting up again, the worst it had been in months. I could barely eat without throwing up and sleep was a rare luxury. I touched the heroin again after I swore to him I’d never fucking indulge in it again. But without his smile and sense of humor I was gone.
Lights started to come into view ahead of me and I knew I was reaching the town. Krist and Shelli lived in a small run-down apartment on the west side of town. I cruise my Valiant down the deserted streets and faced their apartment. My heart was pounding and I could barely catch a breath. I reached for the rumpled back of cigarettes but found none inside.
“Damn.” I muttered, clicking my tongue. I opened the car door, figuring it was now or never and walked towards the building. Since the door was almost falling off the hinges it wasn’t hard to finagle my way inside. Squinting, my now watery eyes together, I search for apartment number eleven. I knocked softly on the door and heard someone scuffling to the door.
“Hello?” A voice grumbled, obviously woken from slumber. It was Dave, accompanied by a crusty t-shirt and wrinkled boxers.
“Uh, hey,” I say, astonished at my ability to speak.
“What are you doing here? One, it’s like two in the morning and two, the last time we saw each other we were fighting.” He interrogated.
“Well if you’d let me inside maybe I could explain.” I persisted, he wasn’t getting away easy. He opened the door and I made my way inside. Hearing the springs squeak as I settled onto the couch. Dave sighed as he grudgingly sat next to me.
“I want to apologize.” Dave huffed. “Listen, I was a complete idiot about everything and being a selfish bastard. You were right about everything; I just didn’t want to see it. I was using Tracy as the excuse but in reality I was just scared.”
“But you didn’t need to be scared.” Dave interjected.
“Yes I did. I was feeling something totally unfamiliar and I didn’t want to admit it.” His eyes found mine and I gave him a half-smile. “I’ve missed your laugh, your smile. I’ll admit I was wrong, but I’m just so sick of fights I hate them. I’ve been running from them my whole life. They’ve ruined everything for me. So I’m ready to try this again, for real.” A piece of his jet black hair had fallen into his face and I pushed it back. “I love you Dave and even though it scares me I’m trying.” He laughed.
“Oh, Kurt,” Before I could defend myself his lips met mine and I was reassured that this trip had been worth it.