She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. He smiled. Her heart started pounding in her chest and a cold sweat broke out on her back. There was never any question in her mind who he was. She'd know his face anywhere. It was Kurt.
Kurt was dead.
He'd been dead for over a year. She'd gone to his funeral. She stood frozen in front of the window for at least a full minute, staring, struggling to breathe, and Kurt stared gently back at her, bright blue eyes welcoming and patient.
She finally pulled herself away from the wooden sill that held her up and rushed to the balcony door, throwing it open and darting outside. All she found was warm sunlight, the soft cooing of pigeons on nearby roofs, and rumbling cars. She approached the spot where Kurt had been sitting and looked down at the ground. Nothing. No trace of him.
"I'm going crazy," she muttered to herself, clutching her heart as it slowed its pounding.
The second time came about a week later, when she started having periods where she almost forgot his first visit. Thurston had just gone out for a walk with the baby in a front pack and Kim was alone in the apartment. Or, she thought she was alone.
She was busy brewing some coffee and turned to pull a fresh mug off the rack, letting out a little scream and almost dropping the mug upon seeing someone sitting at the breakfast bar.
"God! Kurt, what the fuck," she spat impulsively. He just smiled at her, like last time, then folded his arms and put his head down on them, watching her.
As she calmed once more, she found herself afraid to turn away from him, afraid he would disappear again. "Please don't go," she said, wondering if he could hear her. Was he a spirit? Maybe she was hallucinating him. Her brother had schizophrenia and maybe she was finally developing it, too. If he was a spirit, she would have thought this would've happened right after he died, when she was deep in grief, but maybe Kurt had waited until she was feeling better before coming to see her. He was kind and thoughtful like that, after all. He wouldn't want to upset her further.
She hesitantly turned around, hearing the coffee machine reaching the end of its cycle, and poured herself a mug of the brew. She mentally prepared herself for Kurt to be gone and turned again, delighted to see he was still there at the breakfast bar.
She approached and leaned against the bar, drinking her coffee in silence as she and Kurt watched each other. She took in every detail of his face: all the little lines that had formed around his mouth and eyes, the scattering of prickly fuzz on his chin and above his lips, the lock of bleached hair that obscured the side of his face, and the sharp, alert eyes that were softened with fondness as they gazed back at her.
The front door clicked with Thurston's key and Kim glanced towards the noise. When she looked back, Kurt was gone. She decided not to tell Thurston about Kurt just yet.
The third time Kurt came, Kim had just put Coco down for a nap while Thurston was out doing the shopping. She found him lounging in the living room, sprawled over the cushy armchair by the bookcase, waiting for her. A little bolt of happiness shot through her. She wasn't scared to see him, almost expecting him, now.
"Hi," she said, taking the other chair across from him. He smiled in reply. "It's so good to see you," she added. He gazed softly back, gently present. "Will you ever let Thurston see you?" she asked. "You keep showing up when he's not here."
There was no reply, but she didn't really expect one now. Kurt had been consistently silent on all these visits. His big eyes were full of life and thoughts, but she could only guess what was going on inside him.
A sudden idea popped into Kim's head. "Would you like to see Coco?" she asked Kurt. He looked interested, so she stood and started towards the bedroom, looking back over her shoulder to see if he would follow, half expecting him to have disappeared again. He got up and walked after her and they stood in silence next to the crib, watching the perfect serenity of Kim's baby sleeping. Kurt turned a warm, tender smile on Kim and she smiled joyfully back. Her daughter brought her so much happiness.
Kim heard Thurston's muffled voice from the front door, asking for her to open the door. His arms would be full of groceries.
"It's so great to see you, Kurt," Kim said softly before leaving to let Thurston in. Kurt was gone when she came back.
Kim was feeling introspective the fourth time Kurt visited her. She was on the rug near the sofa with Coco, dangling toys for her daughter to grab. Someone came and sat down next to her and she thought Thurston had woken from his nap, but when she looked up it was Kurt again. "Oh, hi," she said. She got the usual genuine smile in response.
Kim's hand had dropped in her surprise, the toy along with it, and now when Kim looked at her baby, Coco was transfixed by Kurt, eyes wide, sucking on her fingers. She had settled from her giggly mood into a bright peacefulness. "Maybe I'm not going crazy," Kim murmured softly.
Kurt sat and watched with fondness as Kim recaptured Coco's attention and made her laugh and flail her arms to try to touch the toy. Sunlight drifted across the rug, warming the air.
A worry shot through Kim's mind suddenly as she looked at her daughter. "Why do you keep coming here?" she asked Kurt. "Am I going to die soon? Are you here to make it easier on me?"
Kurt didn't answer, he just looked at her calmly, warmly, like he always did. Kim was reassured. Surely he would let her know if her question had a serious answer. Maybe he was just here to say goodbye.
Kim remembered what she'd thought to tell Kurt if she saw him again. "You know, Kurt, you always made me believe in myself. Seeing you play made me understand how far a person could push a stage performance. You never held back."
Kurt blushed, trying to hide his expression under his hair.
"Thank you," she added. She almost reached out to touch his shoulder, but hesitated and put her hand back down.
Kurt stayed with her and Coco until Thurston awoke.
The fifth time Kurt appeared, Thurston was still in the house. He and Kim were enjoying a quiet pasta dinner while the baby slept and Kurt walked into the dining room and leaned against the wall.
"He's here," Kim whispered to Thurston, as if Kurt was a shy animal that might dart away if she spoke too loudly.
"Where?" he whispered back.
"Right there," she pointed to the spot where Kurt was standing and Thurston followed her finger.
"I don't see him," Thurston said, "But I believe you," he added. She had finally confessed to Thurston what she'd been seeing, and they both agreed that they leaned towards the supernatural explanation. That Kurt was here to tell them something.
"I miss you. I wish you hadn't done what you did," Thurston said to Kurt, staring at the spot Kim had pointed to.
"He's looking at you," Kim reported.
"Is he saying anything?"
"No, he never talks. He just hangs out."
Thurston sighed, a mildly stressed sound. "I wish I could see him." Kim put her hand over his on the table and their eyes met.
"He's listening," Kim said.
Thurston turned again to Kurt. "Don't you hang around here too long," he said. "You've gotta go and do whatever it is that dead people do, ok? We'll be fine."
"He smiled," Kim informed Thurston.
"I'm serious," Thurston said to Kurt, letting a little smile creep onto his own face. Kurt nodded.
"There he goes," Kim said, watching Kurt walk back around the corner.
"Aw," Thurston complained mildly. "He should have joined us for dinner."
The last time Kim saw Kurt, it was in the middle of the night. She woke slowly from a deep sleep, Thurston heating the bed like a giant hot water bottle next to her. She stroked his arm and turned over onto her back, startled to see a glowing neon blur next to the foot of the bed. As her eyes focussed in the low light, she saw that it was Kurt. He was glowing a cool, starlight blue in the dark. He looked truly ghostly this time. He waited a moment, then walked closer to her till he was within arm's reach. Up close she saw his hair sparkling like it was filled with a galaxy of tiny stars, glittering every time he moved, his eyes like a mirrored image of Neptune. In her still half-asleep state, all she could do was stare in awe at him for a while. He was patiently present, as ever.
Finally, she reached her hand out towards him, palm up, asking silently for a touch. His luminous smile was printed onto her memory as his own hand stretched out towards hers. She could almost swear she felt the ghostly brush of fingertips on her own before Kurt slowly faded like a mist blown away in the breeze.
I Love You Golden Blue
Sonic Youth
Dead boy stares
Strange to meet you
Dead boy cares
So great to see you
Is it time to go?
It's a place I know
I can't read your mind
I can't find the time
I can't feel the thrill
I don't have the will
Dead boy dares
Believe in you
Dead boy stares
Afraid that you will see him
Is it time to go?
Is it a place I know?
I can't read your mind
I can't find the time
I can't feel the thrill
I don't have the will
I love you
A metallic blue
I love you
Golden blue
I miss you
Shine all alone
I miss you
Don't know what to do
I don't glitter like the stars above
I don't glow like neon alone
Don't blush it's just the wind outside
Don't rush to be by my side
A/N: "I Love You Golden Blue" came on my MP3 player one night and the song hit me really hard, inspiring me to write this story. It also really touched me when I saw that Kim agreed to be in the movie Last Days, and it made me realise the importance to Kim of her connection with Kurt that she would want to do that.