There is a secret meeting tonight and I have to be there. Well, it isn't really a meeting. But it is secret. And i feel like such a fool, having to lie to people because telling them I am having dinner with my band mate and best friend isn't allowed. The streets of Seattle are dark and crowded. My heart feels strange in my chest, as if it changed it's way of beating since he said "I do" to her.
"Hey." He greets me as if nothing had happend. As if this were just another normal evening where we met up after bandpractise. As if nothing had changed between us.
"Hi Kurt." I hear myself say even though it doesn't even really sounded like my voice. It sounds different.
"Let's go inside." He suggests but it sounds more like an unsure question. Like he wouldn't be surprised if i answered no and just left. Two months ago that would've been unthinkable. Now i am surprised we still talk to each other at all. God, we're have we gone wrong?What happened?
We sit down at a table near the windows, maybe because it's prettier or maybe because then we'd both have an excuse for not looking each other in the eyes. You know, just casually staring outside when you feel like dying is an often used way of coping with unpleasant situations.
Kurt is the first one to say something once we're sitting. "Jesus, what is this?" He makes a noise after the question that is like a mix between an insecure laugh and someone sounding as if he's about to break down crying every second.
"I don't know Kurt. You were the one who wanted to meet up, weren't you?" My voice is shaking. I'm not sure how he does it- make me so emotional with every tiny thing he says. I'm really not.
"Yeah but i'm not the one acting weird ever since...-" He interrupts himself because he choked on his soda. He's coughing for a few seconds. I just stare at him. I am tired.
"You can't say it." I manage to whisper, "You can't even say it."
His eyes are closed as he answers "Dave, ever since I married Courtney you're acting as if I full on betrayed you." Then he opens them again, this beautiful shade of blue. I want these eyes to be everything in my life. Every minute of every day. I'd do anything for them. In a way it is like they own me.
"Wow you admit to it." I say and immediately regret it. Kurt frowns: "Then you should have said something. We...- What we did, we did it before I even met Courtney. We did it while I was dating her, sometimes. You were aware of all that. How could you possibly have thought that this was anything more to me than...-" he looks down.
"Say it." I demand. "You can't believe that I possibly thought we were more than what?! Nothing? Is that what you want to say. That all those nights meant nothing to you?" I'm about to start crying but my anger is even biggerthan my sadness.
He looks shocked: "No. Friends. That's what i wanted to say. We were friends..- god I hope we still are friends, and we did some stuff friends normally don't do but that doesn't at all change our relationship!" his voice is raspy and he kind of looks scared.
"So friends with benefits. You actually say that night in Chicago was nothing but a nice little trip together as besties to wach the sun rise and that you didn't have any intentions of..-" He interrupts me.
Now I feel actual tears in my eyes, this can't be true. He can't be serious. "I love you." I choke out. And again: "I love you, Kurt."
"Don't say that... you... you don't know what that does to me. I've just gotten married,you can't just.." his voice gets lost somewhere in the middle of the sentence. I wonder how he would've finished it.
I am about to answer again right away, when I can't hold back any longer. He is too beautiful. His eyes,his lips, his hair that he carefully tucked behind his ears on the one side, his sad and confused look, the dimple in this chin. I lean over the table and pull his face closer to mine. One hand behind his head, one on his arm.
I can see the surprise in his eyes as our lips crash against each other. He is shaking and staring into mine. Our lips are still locked. I wanna stay like this forever and ever.
Then only a second later he pulls away,my hands falling on the table. He stands up in a turmoil, still shaking his head as if it was impossible for him to believe what had just happend. His chair falls down with a bang as he makes his way out of the restaurant.
Immediately I run after him, not really caring about the fact that we have bsically just stolen two sodas and chips. Outside it's not hard to find him again as he's leaning against a brick wall directly in the next street. I approach him slowely.
"Sorry." I say "I didn't meant to do that."
"It's fine, Dave. Just don't repeat that...please. I've got enough problems with the heroin and the smoking. I don't need another thing killing me."
How does his voice manage to not tremble? How does he manage to look this carefree but so broken at the same time?
"I'd be the last person to kill you." I say even though it sounds silly and dumb, I can't think of anything else in that moment. He asnwers only seconds later.
"I know. You're the best friend i've ever had. But I can't do this affair thing. I can't live two lives. I can't do this to my wife."
Oh yes, your wife. I think to myself: Of course not. But you have no problem of doing it to me, i guess? But I don't say that out loud. I've had enough fighting for today.
"C'mon." I mumble and open my arms for a hug. "I've got you."
The blond man wipes away some tears from his cheek and then walks right into my embrace. "I love you, you know that?" I ask him quietly. He nods, his head brushing against my shoulder. That is the most important thing: He knows. He knows.
"Do you love her?" I ask, a bit hesitant and just as quiete. And again he nods. I close my eyes as I hear him cry against my jacket. "You're okay, I'm right here. You're okay."
And he feels so vulnerable and naiv in my arms. So innocent and kind. I think about Courtey, who is the exact opposite of him. Blunt, controlling. I want to tell him that she isn't good for him, but I don't. It doesn't matter at the moment. He is here, he is save. I'll keep him save.