It was late 1990. My head was crammed with thoughts and decisions needed to be made but I couldn't make them. I was only living for music and when we took one step forward we also took one step back. I felt nauseous. Sick with frustration. We had to let our most recent drummer go. It wasn't working. In fact, none of our drummers ever worked. They didn't have the same passion that Krist and I had and without it we could never work as a band.
So today was a day I have experienced many times over. The audition of the new drummer - Dave. He seems cool and apparently an awesome drummer which is just like the others. I can't see this being any different. I just hope Dave brings that something that we've been looking for. Krist isn't so negative and is always looking on the bright side of things but I still feel nauseous.
I had no time to prepare. I was tuning my guitar needlessly when I heard Krist coming back to his basement. He was laughing. He wasn't alone. The pit of my stomach began to burn with anxiety and I could have vomited there and then but I hadn't eaten since yesterday so the acid just burnt all the way to my throat. Why? Because I hated this type of awkward shit. I am expected to audition this guy like I am some fucking music executive or something. Fuck that! We won't be doing that. This shit is crazy enough as it is.
The giantesque figure of Krist emerged as he ducked his way through the entrance. Krist seemed happy and joyful but that was nothing unusual. Nervously fiddling with my guitar I looked at Krist and tried to decipher the figure behind him.
He finally emerged from the darkness of the stairwell and the abundance of body that was Krist!
The first thing I remembered was the feeling of total surprise. My heart was almost in my mouth and beating so hard I thought it would fly out at any moment. The second memory was of how I was hoping that none of this was showing on my face. I can't quite explain it. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this I am sure. He was tall and thin but nowhere as near as tall as Krist, in fact it was strange. This guy was tall but still dwarfed by my friend here. I don't know why I should be so shocked about that. I had a miniscule thought about my height and how short I was in comparison to them both but I was able to overcome that personal torment quite quickly.
Krist gestured in a mocking sort of way towards this guy and introduced him as Dave. Dave smiled brightly at me and nodded. He seemed like he was high on something which made him go slightly hyper. He just seemed so fresh and innocent to everything that I couldn't quite fathom him out. I must of put him off slightly because he dimmed his smile and tucked his extremely long dark hair behind his ears which fell straight back over his face again but his eyes still stood out like nothing before. Big dark doe eyes which instantly spotted the drum set glistening under the basement window. He strode across with so much enthusiasm that the recent burst of awkwardness had soon been forgotten. My eyes followed him. I watched as Krist and Dave talked with such ease and light heartedness leaving me in my dark corner to spectate.
Dave started to play the drums. My nerves subsided under the noise he made. I don't know how he did it but he made it look so easy. He played hard and fast with such animation. I was in awe. Then he just stopped. Silence was never as silent as this before not after that sound. He seemed to have released a spark of life in me. He didn't look at me in that way like other people did. He didn't seem bothered by my awkward ways which made life a whole lot easier for me.
We jammed for an hour or so until Dave said that he needed to make a move. Krist only had to give me a look. We both knew Dave had to be the drummer. If anything he was so different to us both but I could tell in the way he played that his passion was there.
I will never forget that day. Since Daves departure he is all I could think of. He left me feeling empty and feeling that I needed more of what he had to offer. I felt dependent on him and I didn't even know anything about him which made me more intrigued.
Shit! This guy is a fucking giant. Krist! This is Krist? I followed this beast into his basement to meet Kurt for the first time. I was hoping Kurt wasn't a fucking giant as well because....well I guess it wouldn't matter. Krist seemed like a cool dude although my neck kinda hurt having to look up at him all the fucking time.
I followed Krist down the grey concrete steps. I don't even remember what we were talking about but it flowed easy. This was a good start at least.
Ducking his head through the doorway we entered the basement. I don't know what I was expecting but when Krist introduced me to Kurt for the first time I felt what could only be described as a quick flutter in my heart. He was sat in what was probably the darkest corner of the room. His massive blue eyes stared right at me but he wasn't intimidating. It was hard to believe that this little guy had such a powerful voice. I don't think deep too often but looking at Kurt...well it was like looking into his soul. This set up was intimate. It felt like home already. I spotted the drums and without thinking I was straight on them. Before I knew it we had the most beautiful session. I felt as though this is where I was meant to be and fuck! Why am I feeling all this deep shit for?
Soon after I left I felt kind of lost. I didn't know if they liked me or not but it all seems good. Kurt kept playing on my mind. He hadn't said much if anything at all but I found him interesting and he looked at me in a way I cannot describe. I don't know if he likes me or my drumming but he smiled at me when I left and he doesn't strike me as someone who would be fake so maybe he thinks I am cool. There's something about this band. Something that makes me want to be a part of it. I can't wait to meet up again. I need to put my mind at rest. I don't care what people think a about me but this Kurt guy...If he thinks I am good enough then that will be fucking awesome!
Something In The Way
Sun rays pierced through the bland hotel room window. Strobes of warmth embraced my aching body to the point where I almost only felt nauseous. I nearly felt as normal as a human ever possibly could. A dark cloud drifted by and I opened my eyes in hope that it was merely passing but it lingered. My room was now dull and dingy and my exquisite pain returned with full magnitude, pressing the life I had left in me.
I cradled my stomach and my head began to swirl not only from the intense headache that had taken hold of me but a whirlpool of emotions circulated also with as much striking pain.
Somewhere deep in the depths of the hotel bar, Dave and Krist were enjoying a beer or two whilst I had no choice but to confide myself into this lonesome space. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to laugh and be care free. I wanted to enjoy the success of our album. We worked so fucking hard and we actually had so much fun and I've bonded more than I ever could imagine with Dave. Believing that someone like Dave could enjoy my company is difficult as he is completely different to me. Where I am quiet and brooding or so I am told, he is outgoing and totally crazy. We get along though. Judgement doesn't seem to exist in the world of Dave. He takes each day as it comes. Krist doesn't seem to give a fuck about anything. I know he has his own problems. I wish I could support him. We have had our ups and downs which I am sure will continue but he has always stuck by me and I will forever be grateful to him for that.
Unfortunately I am stricken with paralysing pain and sickness. Whatever I want to do no matter how simple or extravagant, I am bounded by myself in a shroud of misery which is only opened when inspiration for music takes over and luckily that is quite often.
It's been over a year since I first met Dave. He also has the ability to lift the dark shroud that surrounds me but he never leaves it off. He gives me hope only to banish whatever hope there was and through no fault of his own.
Dave is like a brother to me or so I thought but I guess if I am being honest it's deeper and darker than that. I have uncontrollable feelings for him that feel so natural to me but also adds heartache to my world. I could never tell him any of this. I know he wouldn't hold it against me but he just isn't gay. He is forever with girls and I get so jealous. He gives me so much attention but in a caring way which I need but I want more!
What a fucking year! I seriously had no idea what was ahead of us. This much success is too much to take in at the moment. I may not take drugs anymore but I'm heading down the road of becoming an alcoholic I am sure.
It's the only way I can handle all of this.
I seemed to have lost Krist who was here just a minute ago. He is just so vague these days and he drinks way more than I do. Something is bothering him but he's not the kind of guy who opens up easily.
I finished my beer and began heading towards the elevator. I wasn't tired and I wanted to check out a club but Kurt had been ill in his room all day. I just felt I needed to check on him and see if there was anything he needed.
Kurt's health has been deteriorating this year. I know he's seen a view consultants but no one has come up with an answer. He's always been quiet but he gets down so quickly which is totally understandable given the present circumstances. He has so much pressure and everything else to deal with. I used to think his main worry was that he felt like a sell out. He wanted to be successful but he didn't want to be treated as a god and constantly harassed by the media. Krist and I never say anything but we try and relieve that pressure in interviews for example but they are obsessed and mystified with Kurt who looks like he's being suffocated by it all.
There is only so much anyone can do and I will do whatever I can to help. I just want Kurt to be happy and healthy.
I knocked on Kurt's door. There was no answer and I couldn't hear a thing from the other side. I knocked harder the second time and called his name.
I'd had enough of clutching myself at the end of the bed and had returned to the comfort of the bed sheets where I curled up into a fetal position. The only way I could deal with the pain.
I heard a knock at the door. I couldn't move and nor did I want to. I chose to detach myself from anything at that point. That was until I heard Dave's voice from behind the door.
All at once my eyes pinged open and my heart started to beat erratically. I didn't have the strength to respond with my voice but I somehow managed to stumble to the door.
Once the door opened I was greeted with the sight of Dave. He was leaning on the opposite wall. No words were exchanged but I moved back allowing Dave to silently stroll into my room.
The scent of alcohol drifted past just as he did. When I shut the door my pain had subsided and changed to excitement.
Turning around I found Dave had casually collapsed onto the bed, covering his eyes with his forearms as he muttered "I've drank way too much".
I didn't respond instead I laid back on the bed myself and just stared at the ceiling trying to figure out what the hell I was feeling and what I were to do.
We layed there in silence which felt like hours but was only in fact a couple of minutes. I still found myself staring into nothingness even when Dave finally began to move.
"How are you feeling? " he asked softly. I shut my eyes. I felt strange and answered,
"Fucking fantastic! I'm feeling great". I don't know where the energy came from within me to respond with such dramatic unadulterated sarcasm but luckily for me Dave didn't take offence.
"I'm glad" he said whilst playing along.
I turned my head to look at Dave. I found him looking at me. I knew by the look in his eyes that he was concerned and I spoke back with similar eye contact. This visual conversation broke with Daves cheeky wink which he added a big huge grin to. I couldn't help but look away and release a boyish chuckle.
I could tell that Kurt had no energy. His pain was painted all over him and he was never the type to conceal anything either.
I loved the fact I managed to make him laugh. I knew he never got bored of me goofing around.
I wanted to embrace him. He was so fragile to me. I didn't want to make us both feel uncomfortable however I wanted to find a way to let him know that I was there for him but I couldn't find the right words to express this to him.
His eyes sparkled like sapphires. I felt chills as he looked at me. This whole situation was beginning to feel fucking awkward yet I couldn't leave. We just kept staring at each other until Kurt reached towards my hair and gently started to play with it almost like it was comforting for him.
We were both gazing down at my fucking hair being played with by my friend in his fucking bed. What the fuck is happening!
I do not know what urged me to take Kurt's frail wrist into my hand but as I did his hand froze. I managed to look at him and he was looking down but I could still see a hint of sparkling blue from beneath his eyelids.
Crimson tinged walls surrounded us as the sun set. The room was getting darker and so were my thoughts. I was feeling pure stimulation from the inside out. A blur of movements were exchanged between us until our lips were touching each other. We were both taking deep breaths. The tips of our noses gently touched. It was obvious we both wanted the same thing here but who was going to break first?
A fire was blazing within me. I haven't felt so exhilarated since....never. I felt alive.
We gazed seductively into each others eyes. Like black orbs stabbing through me, Dave's eyes smouldered my own. He lowered his lids and I mirrored the action until we were both looking at each others mouths. Millimeter by millimeter we were getting closer to what could only be described as the climax which I wanted so fucking bad but I didn't want this to end.
Dave pressed harder against my lips and he finally put his tongue to mine. Passion had no boundaries. Deep breaths and groans of joy. Was I dreaming? I didn't want to wake up but then he put his hands through my hair and yanked as he pulled his body closer to mine. My scalp throbbed but the pain was welcomed. I knew I wasn't dreaming after all.
I wasn't the same person that I used to be. The last two years have been difficult to say the least. There has been fun and happy times but they have now long been forgotten. Almost like a time that never was.
Time after time there is a problem and ridiculous situation that needn't be. I was beginning to die on the inside. The matter of money has become the fourth member of the band and not to mention people coming from out of nowhere playing with our lives.
Enjoyment was the main feeling I used to receive but now it is far from that. There is also the slight fact that Kurt and I kissed last year. Since then it's really made so much fucking sense to me....Kurt has got married and is now a father. It's like nothing happened between us. I think about it every day but not Kurt. He's not even in this world. He has changed and I can't find the strength to approach him. It hurts that he's become a stranger to me.
I attended his wedding and made sure I got myself wasted. Man, I was so drunk. I felt at that point I would support Kurt. I cared too much not to be there but it fucking hurt me like nothing before. I was confused and frustrated. I am now angry. The only person who can give me a fucking answer to all of this is Kurt but he's fucked over on heroin, miserable, snappy and to be honest he's treated Krist and me like fucking shit but I still can't shake these feelings.
Today we had to do an interview and I really couldn't face anyone and I have to put on a show of the great band we are when it feels like we all hate each other's guts.
Krist is hardly around and isn't around when he doesn't have to be but I need to be somewhat close to Kurt because I can't let him go regardless of how he's changed into a super fucking asshole.
I arrived alone at the given location. I had been chain smoking all morning. I was stressed beyond belief. I needed to get this out of the way and I had decided to leave the city and spend a few days with my family because I was on the verge of going insane.
As per fucking usual a load of random fucking people were invading my head space and of who were all either drunk or high on drugs. My heart sank, I could of left and never shown my face again. I spotted Krist which is never a hard task and in turn he ushered me over towards him. Withdrawn inside myself I managed to slowly walked over with my head drooped and my body limp. My energy was being sucked from me with every second I was there.
I heard somebody say that Kurt was late and in fact later than late. Only an hour after this was the news that Kurt was too ill to make an appearance. What a fucking waste of time and not to mention a total fucking head fuck. I had to leave and get my head together. Everything was turning to shit hour by hour but before I ran off to gather my life back together I need to see Kurt.
I arrived at the apartment which Kurt and Courtney were renting. I was so hyped on so many conflicting thoughts and emotions I didn't even have a clue what I was doing but I rang the door bell.
What seemed like an eternity finally came to an end when the front door slowly opened. I peered into Kurt's blue glassy eyes. He looked a fucking state. His skin had no colour and scabs forming all over his face. He looked a disgrace and I was relieved that he didn't show up looking as he did. However, his eyes lured me into what attracted me to him in the first place. He told so much with those eyes and I kind of melted a little bit. I felt I wanted to hug him, protect him and care for him and get him out of this fucking mess but reality hit me. I couldn't work miracles and it was killing me.
After months of feeling numb all over. Body and mind was virtually non existent. For that split second I finally discovered that I was alive. My heartbeat increased letting life flow through me again. Dave stood looking at me. He didn't look happy but I guess I couldn't really fathom what he was feeling or what he wanted to say. I was happy to see him.
When we kissed last year I felt exhilarated and more than a description as simple as happy. I longed for that feeling again but life had a way of shitting on you wherever and whenever possible. I wasn't sure how much more I could take and Dave just calmed me in that moment. I wanted to pour my heart out and let him into this dark place. I wasn't thinking straight and I wasn't doing the right things. I wanted him to help me but I just couldn't no matter how much I wanted to.
Dave made no effort to show that this was a social visit. His dark eyes peered into me almost like he was possessed. He finally spoke and broke his gaze whilst sighing.
"I'm leaving. I don't know when I will be back. I've just had enough of everything right now", he slowly looked back at me. There was a deep thought going through his mind and then he continued "I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you like this. What is happening to you? You have a daughter now and look at you! ".
These words tore through my heart and I knew he was right. He was looking at me in such disgrace. I wanted to break down and cry. I was loosing everything. My body ached to explain but like a pre historic language no one could understand. I didn't even understand. I couldn't even speak. Cowardly I looked down and Dave wasted no time in departing. He gave a sarcastic gasp of laughter which was in disbelief of my lack of remorse but I was paralysed. I couldn't speak.
I retaliated to the darkened space of my bedroom once more. I had become involved in a loop of infinity with regards to Heroin. I knew I shouldn't but I did anyway. I felt Euphoric and pain was banished but all I am now is a shell of a human dependant on a substance that is quite literally killing me.
My contradictory personality frustrates the hell out of me. I seemed to love making people hate me. I like pissing people off. I hate who I am and I want others to feel this away about me too. It kind of balances my head out and makes me think slightly clearer. Although, I am far from actively trying to better myself. I can't even be a proper father to my daughter and I don't want her to grow up and see this thing that she knows as her Dad.
Swirling cascades of thoughts started to flood my mind and I knew the only thing I could do was initiate the practice of Euphoria again.
I have been away from everyone and everything and I am glad to say that I feel somewhat improved but still no closer to any answer. I knew that once I had to go back and face the music (no pun intended) then I would be bombarded with everything all over again. My anger had been suppressed but only laying dormant until an inevitable situation would force it to erupt once again.
I could see Kurt was ill and I knew deep down that he didn't want things to be this way but I didn't know what to do. Just as quickly as the success of Nirvana kept increasing so did the speed of the band falling apart. This is all I ever wanted and I think I'm falling for Kurt because despite of my hated towards him at times I just can't help but think about him constantly. I can't confide in him. He just isn't there anymore. I'm fucking lost.
The city was as gloomy as ever once I arrived back and it matched my feelings perfectly. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to once I got there. I could of just stepped back in the car and kept driving and never stop until I reached a place where nothing could possibly hurt me but I still had fight in me which hadn't yet disappeared with everything else that I had once known.
I was glad to see the New Year. Last year had been a complete disaster in all aspects that I can possibly think of.
I was excited about making our new album and I wanted it done as soon as possible. I did not want any interference. I wanted the three of us to record with our producer and commit to this like nothing before.
My relationship with Dave and Krist had become more civil but none of us were as close as we used to be and I know I am a big part of that problem but the more I think of that then I just end up feeling like shit and I cannot let go of this positivity at the moment.
Regardless of everything else, I still cannot get that kiss with Dave out of my mind. I felt out of this world in that moment and I felt complete. It felt so right but even the following day we didn't even mention it and in regards to everything else that happened last year then it's virtually a distant memory and one that possibly didn't even happen. I know it did happen and I can't stop thinking about wanting more!
I was meeting both Krist and Dave today to discuss the options for recording the album. I was nervous I guess but I couldn't put anything to the side because I knew it would never get done.
It was cold and depressing outside and even darker inside Krists house. We were waiting for Kurt to arrive. Neither of us held out any hope that it would happen but Krist and I hadn't really had a chance to catch up with each other and just to simply talk. It was nice. Nice for both of us to be sober and make sense for once.
I flicked through the TV channels but I couldn't pay attention. Krist was in his kitchen making more coffee. The rain outside was beginning to pour harder with more violent splashes against the window. I hated this weather. I couldn't do anything. I liked to be kept busy and without that luxury I just felt restless.
Krist shouted from the kitchen,
"Dave get the door. Kurt's just pulled up!".
I literally froze for a second or two before I managed to get up and head for the front door.
As the front door opened I looked back from a gaze I was holding into the harsh winter weather. I was confronted with Dave. He stared at me long and hard and I looked at him with just as much intensity.
My throat began to tighten and goosebumps formed on my skin.
The fact that Dave had closed himself off from me for awhile made this quite uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do but I managed to in the end.
I muttered if not mumbled with what escaped with a soft tone attached.
Dave lifted his stare away from me and made way for me to come in. It wasn't until I was just about to walk past him when he spoke.
"How have you been?".
I found myself face to face with Dave and the dull light of day slowly disappeared when he shut the front door.
We stood together in a dark porch not really knowing what to say although Dave seemed to be the ruler of this present situation. He stood straight with his arms crossed. He penetrated me with a hard stare again. If I hadn't of known better I would have thought he was about to punch me. Anger was written all over him but he didn't express anything more than that.
Krist walked through to the where we were. A distraction from this intense situation was welcomed how ever much I wanted to be alone with Dave right now.
Looking at both of us in turn with obvious thoughts of his own he held up two mugs of coffee which I instantly received and followed Krist into the kitchen.
I watched as Kurt drifted into the kitchen. Krist looked back at me. I couldn't help but act this way. I knew Kurt understood what was going on but Krist wasn't so clued up.
I bit my lip with anticipation and went to back into the lounge. I sat down feeling kind of deflated but pumped with anxiety.
I could hear Kurt and Krist talking. I couldn't include myself because I wasn't too sure of how I was actually feeling.
Krist came through to the lounge and briefly stumbled and sighed. I don't think he was amused by my lack of social ability at that given time.
"Look...I'm just going out to get some food. I won't be long!". He gestered his head towards the kitchen without words to indicate that I needed to make an effort with Kurt.
I nodded. I wasn't even close to trying to make any effort.
It seemed that I didn't need to as Kurt slowly walked into the lounge bringing me my coffee. I gently took the mug from his frail hands. I looked up at him. He looked more healthy than the last time I saw him. However, his posture was clearly getting worse.
Kurt sat down beside me. He clutched the mug in his hands never taking it to his mouth once. I on the other hand continuously sipped away just so clearly aware of him beside me.
Once again I found myself alone with Dave. There was pure silence apart from the sounds from the TV. The screen suddenly became impossible to watch as a strobe of winter sun shot through the room. The clouds had parted. The whole room was now lit up with an array of dusty sun rays.
I looked at Dave and he looked at me.
"What's happening here Kurt? I'm confused as fuck. What the fuck is going on?"
I listened to him attentively. He spoke clear unlike me. I knew he blurted this out through a sudden panic but he needed to say something. I wasn't in the position to initiate conversation. I could tell he was already pissed off without adding to it.
I admired him there in front of me for a few moments.
"I'm in....I'm....I'm in a state of just pure fucking confusion myself. I don't even know what part you are referring to. I'm sorry".
I could feel myself going under again and started to panic myself. I know he didn't mean to but he wasn't helping the situation at all. I know I haven't helped but he was being so abrupt with me.
"I don't even know anymore. Why should I even care? Let's just talk about whatever the fuck you came here to talk about!". These words were stabbing through me and after he said them he stood up and began to walk away.
I immediately followed and in a blind fury I pulled him back and pushed him up against the wall. He refused to look at me and instead looked out of the sun infused window away from me. Turning his dark eyes to a lighter shade of brown.
I wasn't an aggressive person. Only when I needed to be but I could never be that with Kurt. I cared too much to deliberately hurt him in any way, shape or form. When he pushed me against the wall I enjoyed his aggression and I just let him carry on. I played submissive well. It was easier for me to obey him as I had no idea what he wanted and I was more than happy to let him do what he wanted with me.
Before I even had time to enjoy the pain of waiting for him to touch me he had taken over completely and started to kiss me. It was strange. He grabbed and tore at my body but kissed passionately and it made me feel like I was going insane. I wasn't even in the same world anymore. I tore at his hair as I kissed him back and he put his fingers through mine.
Our warm breaths we shared with groans of distinct pleasure. A total loss of control engulfed our minds and body. I felt his cold hand reach underneath my shirt and he rested his hand on the skin of my chest.
Deep breathing we stopped kissing and just looked at each other through true blurred vision.
I had him and he was mine for this moment and we were alone but I didn't know for how much longer. We stared at each other catching our breaths. I caught mine and I couldn't stop this. I tugged his shirt to initiate it's removal. Like a clap of thunder he tore his shirt off immediately. Perfect and taught, his chest stared at me. I once more moved in towards him and laid my head on his heart. It was racing and beating rapidly beneath me and he still hadn't yet caught his breath.
Slowly his long toned arms coiled around me and held me tight.
I placed my hands on his rib cage as if to begin pushing myself away but once I looked down I caught a glimpse of his perfectly straight hair line below his navel which led my eyes down further to his belt buckle. Temptation overcome me there and then.
I had only just started breathing properly again when Kurt began to slide his hands further down my torso.
The further down he went I felt more and more tantalising shivers spread through my whole body like wildfire.
I was in fact burning now and I hoped to god that he wasn't teasing me.
He moved in closer once more and we shared eye contact as he ripped my belt apart. Buttons were undone and his hand creeped to my groin and he took a hold of everything as much as he could.
I couldn't help but curse at this point with pleasure whilst he gently played and squeezed. I was totally vulnerable. I could feel myself throb against his hand which excited him even more to the point which he started to tighten his grip and slide my skin up and down with alternate pressures.
I didn't know what to do. My legs tensed and my knees began to feel weak. I began to quietly groan more and more frequently.
Kurt's head remained resting on my pumping chest. I raked my fingers through his straw coloured hair. He began to move his hand vigorously. I parted my legs just that bit further which made him slow down for a while and he looked up at me. Dilated pupils set in his gigantic electrifying blue eyes, gazed into mine from beneath his messy hair. We started to kiss whilst he continued to pleasure me endlessly.
Dave was moist and my hand glided over him naturally. I don't think I could ever pull myself away from him. I was enjoying this too much and was scared in case it would never happen again.
Where I was cold he was warm and I throbbed and ached myself. If he touched me in certain places I honestly don't think I could have handled it.
I just wanted to be with him forever. This felt too good.
I could hear and feel him coming close so I came to a near stop and started again. Over and over. Slow and fast.
It was not going to be long until his full pleasure reached the surface and for one last time I tightened my hand and moved slowly at first. Up and down for a few times. I loosened my grip and fastened my pace furiously but altogether gently sliding my hand up and down.
Dave pulled my hair so tight trying to stabilise himself whilst he stiffened and pulled me close. Each flow he made kept softening his stance until I was literally holding him stable.
We had finally retreated to a secluded studio where we started to create the next album.
It was just the three of us along with the producer of course, but it had been so long since any of us had all been together at the same time. It was like when it first began. Laughter and joy without distraction. Unfortunately, I knew that there was danger of our close unit being swamped by others. It always happened. Success brought so many problems along with it.
I had just got out of the shower and feeling refreshed. We had an intense day of recording and the day still wasn't over.
Although I was somewhat soothed my back began to ache and my bed enticed me over.
I sank into the mattress wearing just my towel which wrapped around my hips. The soft pillow cradled my back and I began to relax. Tension in my body drifted away and I crept under the sheets, closing my eyes with simplicity knowing I was safe and relaxed which was something foreign to me these days.
I found myself alone. Krist and the producer had decided that they wanted go for a walk! A walk? I could not understand why and when they invited me, I politely declined. I am sure a walk was simply to escape the house for a while given the extreme workload we had subjected ourselves to today but I just couldn't.
The fact that I was alone at that point felt so peaceful. Silence engulfed the space around me and I couldn't think of anywhere else I would rather be than here alone in silence. It had been a while since I had let myself relax.
However, my heart pounded quickly with the revelation that I had soon made. The fact that I wasn't actually alone. Kurt was around somewhere. I remembered him slipping away from the madness today and I guess I was just used to his vanishing moments.
I made my way to his room and I found him lying peacefully, sound asleep in bed.
I staggered a little at the doorway. I was in two minds. To let him rest or to take advantage of the fact we were actually alone in this house. I went with the latter.
As I got closer. I noticed his hair was half wet and half dry. His usually porcelain looking skin was set a fraction darker against the white bed sheets.
It felt quite disturbing to just stand there looking at him especially as he slept so I playfully messed his hair as I kept calling his name in a comedic fashion as much as I possibly could.
I thought I was dreaming. I could feel and hear Dave. I winced as I opened my eyes to actually find him there beside me. I was still half asleep.
"I'm not getting up, not yet". I declared as I rubbed my eyes.
"I can get you up", Dave responded.
The tone in his voice was equally serious and flirtatious. It made me look at him attentively and my suspicions were resolved when he raised an eyebrow, gave a huge goofy smile, presenting his fleshy high gum line. I melted there and then as dark exquisite passion filled me. I smiled.
I guess we didn't need words anymore. Dave gently got into my bed. I could feel the temperature increase instantly.
We looked at each other trying to hide the intense excitement. He lifted the sheet slightly to study my body. We looked at each other once more and his face went stern and all so serious.
No time was wasted. Dave slowly climbed on top of me. I looked up at him as I placed my arms behind my head indicating that I was ready for anything.
Body to body and parallel to one another, he layed on top of me. Soft and slow he moved down my body. I could feel his nose caress my skin as he disappeared under the sheets and going further down my body.
The towel was eased off. I could feel myself laid bare, literally. I could feel myself sinking into the bed again. This time felt extreme pleasure yet I wasn't even being touched.
I felt his soft lips feather over my hip bone and across my pelvis. I was burning inside. My blood ran like streams of molten lava. Already hard, I throbbed against his throat. I could feel his warm breath getting closer. I could only imagine he was frustrated as his nose slid through the crease of my groin and he bit my thigh, not hard but hard enough.
Warm hands held onto my hips as his tongue finally began to caress my length and swirl around the tip.
I couldn't even let out the tiniest groan. I was locked in a deep abyss of passion with no intention of escaping.
Dave took hold of me. I was no longer in the same world. As he sucked hard I could feel myself drifting deeper and deeper and I lost all hope of returning which was perfectly fine with me.
I had never done this before and I was shocked at how I had no control. Almost possessed I found myself here. Deep in a sexual ocean flooding my whole entire world.
I could feel throb slightly in my mouth which made me take hold with more strength and delight. I throbbed continously. Our frustrated bodies communicated with each other and made more sense than speaking could ever achieve.
I couldn't stop. I felt too aroused to even think clearly. Excited with ideas and visions. My breathing got deeper and deeper as did Kurt. I could hear him breathing above the sheets and soft groan escaped my lungs which was silent enough for my ears only.
Sensitivity overcome me and my skin tingled frantically. What I held inside for as long I could soon released itself from me. I felt drained and my body lighter as I continued to throb.
Dave had collapsed on me. Laying his head against my stomach. I could tell he was also exhausted as our deep breathes coincided with one another's.
Dave managed to pull himself from underneath the sheets. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was scared of what face I might see. A happy one or one that showed regret.
We laid there. Silence so strong that I had to look at him. He broke his gaze from the ceiling and looked at me. He lowered his eyes from mine and study my face until we made eye contact again.
I kissed him quickly and I don't even know why but I seemed to have no say in the action. Luckily, my attempt was mirrored and he kissed me back. What started off slow turned into deep passion once more. As we pulled at each others hair aggressively. I couldn't imagine anything matching the experience I had just endured but I was excited once more.
No time was wasted. Dave stripped himself until he was fully naked as I was. Just the thought of it and I was slowly becoming more and more immobilised.
We embraced in order to feel our bodies intertwine and weave together. This felt so fucking wrong and it was the best feeling I could ever imagine.
I couldn't conceal the urge any longer and I whispered breathlessly,
"Let me inside".
Three simple words struck me to the point of being froze. My body gave me no choice. I couldn't stop now and I didn't want to.
I opened my eyes to look into Kurt's. I closed mine once more and turned away from him. I laid on my stomach, feeling myself throb and uncontrollably thrust beneath myself.
It was a few moments before I felt Kurt slowly and gently mount me. I had no idea how this would progress. He laid on top of my back and reached his arms over mine and we interlocked our hands. I felt his body raise itself from mine. I could still feel his wetness as he tried to find entrance. I didn't know how to feel. I wanted it so much but I felt so uncomfortable at the same time. I didn't know what to expect until I felt it.
As I eased myself into Dave. Strange but wonderful thoughts started to conflict my mind.
Through a passionate blur of vision I could see a variety of facial expressions develop over his face. From wincing to pain, to relaxed to stimulate. I delved deeper and deeper and thrust myself with so much vigour that I could see clear discomfort and pain in his face and as much as I tightened my grip on his hands he returned with triple strength on mine. My pace began to get faster. He groaned and gasped but with pleasure and he whined "Fuck...Don't stop".
I don't think he realised he said anything. He was lost and so was I.