Kurt’s hands are in my hair, pulling my head backwards and tipping his own forward to keep kissing me. My hands, they’re tied loosely together behind me. I’d be worried about falling, as he’s guiding me blindly backwards, but I know we’re close enough now that if I do, I’ll land on the bed. I’ve been here enough to know that.

He moan and suck on my lip, stumbling forward. My lip pops out of his mouth and instantly his tongue is pushing against mine again, a hand breaking out of my hair and sliding roughly down my chest, around my side and back up to my shoulder blades.

Kurt stops walking suddenly and I open my eyes, glancing around as best I can with our mouths attached, to find we’ve made it to his bed. He raised a knee up onto the mattress and lower me down so I don’t fall on my hands.

He pulls my mouth away and reach behind me, untying them. I don’t move because I don’t know what he want me to do. He’s straddling my hips and he sits up, opening the buttons on my shirt, then pulling my arms out from underneath my body. I sit up a little so you can remove the shirt then lie flat again, my head almost reaching the pillows.

Kurt grabs the tie again, the blue necktie that held my arms behind my back. My arms are above me now, he’s pulling on them and tying my wrists to the headboard poles. Loosely, because he doesn’t know when Courtney will be home and we need to be able to get dressed quick enough that she’ll believe we were working on new songs, not making love in her bed.

Kurt’s moving so fast I don’t get a good look at his face as it descends over mine and onto my chest, but I think he’s smiling.

He’s sucking on my right nipple, making my breathing high-pitched. I’m trying to watch him but my head isn’t elevated at all and it hurts my neck. I let it fall back onto the bed and he’s moving down my body, licking my ribs. My eyes are on Kurt’s nightstand, with the pens and half-empty glass of water. Crumpled paper. used needles and guitar picks. I turn my head and I’d maybe like to see a nightstand with a pair of drumsticks, cassettes with lost cases, packs of cigarettes and a photo of us. But it’s Courtney’s, not mine. And it’s got this pink lace thing on it, a pile of gold rings, perfumes, six different hair brushes, makeup, some girly novel and ‘invisible’ deodorant. That’s dumb. I can see it perfectly.

Kurt’s biting at my hip bone, his hands beneath my neck and pulling at my belt.

“You’re using me.”

Kurt sits up again, on my thighs. I look up again and he nods.

His blue eyes are down; fingers pulling my belt and button open, pulling my zipper down. His blonde hair is covering his face but I can still see the blush spread across his cheeks. I’m thinking that will be the only reaction I’ll get. I don’t care. I didn’t want one.

“But I’d rather use you than anyone else in the world.”