I’ve begun crushing antidepressants and putting them in Kurt’s coffee every morning. Maybe it’s wrong – illegal even – but it’s worth it. I couldn’t stand seeing how miserable he was before. I couldn’t stand watching him attempt to fake it. I just want him to be happy.
I want him to love life. I want him to stop crying. And he finally has.
I stole Krist’s Polaroid camera and take candid pictures of him every so often. I save them all and date them so that when I start to have doubts about what I am doing, I can line them up in the order in which they were taken and watch his smile get progressively bigger and bigger.
He’s begun laughing now. And I feel as though we’re almost a real couple. Yesterday, he even told me that he loved me. It was just casual – I don’t thin he even meant ‘real’ love. Romantic love. But even so, all I could do was kiss him. He let his knees buckle and we fell, his body under mine, his arms wrapped around my waist.
It occurred to me then how often our kisses had been just a source of comfort. Little more than a gesture to say, “Hey. It’ll be okay. I love you and I promise you’ll be okay.” Now they are all about the moment, a spark, love even.
Kurt doesn’t know. Of course not. How do you go about telling somebody that? He had gotten the prescription himself and angrily tossed the bottle on the counter.
“Medicine is for pussies.” He’d mumbled.
I’d tried to talk him into at least trying them, but once Kurt decides he’s not going to do something, there’s no changing his mind.
I don’t want to tell him what I’m doing. I can’t. But by the time the week is up, everything will return back to how it always was. Fake smiles, hidden tears…I don’t think he knows that when he cries, I cry. Because I see how miserable he is and there is nothing that I can do to make it go away.
I don’t think he knows that I’m scared either. Because I’ve caught glimpses of journal entries.
I’m scared. Because if he were ever to die…I don’t think that I could go on. Now that he has entered my life – and somehow lit it up – I can’t bear to imagine life without Kurt.
But all of this is a lot to think about. And to be honest, I don’t want to. I’m not one to stew in my thoughts like he is. He can spend hours just…thinking. I like to live in the moment and focus on nothing but that. I more than like to. I need to.
Because Kurt will wake up soon, and I have to have his coffee ready before he comes downstairs.