The same old fears, I wish you were here.
Guys this is going to be a super super sad and intense. So yeah that's my warning, so enjoy!
Okay so our 3 week tour has been over a while and we are back home and Dave is still a virgin, and I've been writing a song, and Kurt, to my dismay has gotten more and more secluded, he hardly comes out of his room, we go into see him a lot, and he just lies on his bed in the dark, when he ever get out to practice we hardly get 2 songs in before he quits. He is still creative because last time he aloud me to come in he has song lyrics written all over the walls in sharpie. Dave says he is depressed, which makes sense because he went through depressive states a lot when we were younger, but it had been a while since this had happened, and it was never this bad, I was really getting scared for him. We have been trying to get him to go to the doctor but he won't and can't. Dave and I have been spending our time taking care of kurt, trying to take care of kurt , trying to make kurt let us in, showering kurt, helping kurt eat, and stuff along those lines. For the past 2 days kurt hasn't let us in and he has locked the door, I have sat by his door talking to him, he doesn't answer much he mostly mutters song lyrics to himself, but insists if I leave him alone he will let me in. Dave came to me,
" hey Krist you need to go get cleaned up ."
" nooooo! I-I need to stay with kurt!!! Kuurtt, kuuurrrt!! Open up!!" I pathetically banged on the door and sobbed a little bit.
" Krist, I will stay with kurt, and besides kurt will let you in if you leave him alone, right Kurt? Kurt?"
" he hasn't answered since yesterday morning I can't leave him,,"
"Krist , my love , go! kurt will be okay, you need to try and trust him. Go on, go shower, then maybe you and I can., have a little,, rest and relaxation,," he said that last part in his sexy Dave Grohl voice that made me smile.
" you're sure it will be okay if I go ?"
"Yes baby. Go on." Then Dave kissed me as I went to go get cleaned up.
I hated to lie to Krist but I had to get him out of the way, I needed to talk to kurt, without Krist there.
"Kurt, this is Dave . I'm not sure if you can hear me, and you don't have to answer but you had better listen. I understand you are hurting and you would rather spend your days in there than in the world, but in the other room, is a sensitive giant who loves you more than anything in the world, and all he wants is to get you help, and seeing you hurting is hurting him too, he has been trying very hard to help, if you will unlock the door for him, let him take you to the doctor, he loves you and cannot live without you! I understand you can't just 'be better' or 'be happy' but you can have motivation to help you on the path to getting back to being Kurt, your motivation can be Krist . Okay kurt? Kurt? FREAKING ANSWER ME PLEASE!! please."
I said putting my forehead on the door. I sighed then I heard one of Kurt's signature blood curdling screams I tensed up, then he moaned the lyrics to I hate myself and want to die.
"Kurt? Kurt?!" I banged on his door.
He was moaning again, maybe this was him just going crazy again like before when he sang song lyrics.
I asked again if he was okay, but there was no answer but some more moaning lyrics . I walked away from the door, and little did I know that I would regret that for the rest of my life.
*KRIST'S POV *
The shower felt amazing, 6 minutes of amazing I like de-aged 4 years. I got out, dried off and changed, i looked in the mirror and how horrible i looked , then i imagined how bad Kurt probablylooked, so i rushed out, and into mine and Dave's room.
"Dave! has kurt made contact.?"
"um, not exactly, but he was singing, so maybe he will be coming out soon?"
" Yeah, I remember when we were kids and he was depressed like this I left hot coco in front of the door for him, told him it was there and it helped him sleep and we got through this eventually. imma make him some."
I made some coco and put marshmallows in it then i set it outside of his door, he was moaning and crying from what i could only assume was mental pain, so i spoke to him.
"hey Kurt, it's me, your best friend, Krist, I made you hot coco like I used to when we were younger, i set it outside your door, you could let me in and we could talk, I hardly see you anymore, Oh how i wish you were here with me, you would know what to do. Please don't cry Kurdty,I left the coco for you, we can talk later okay kurt? I miss you buddy, imgonna go now feel free to get your coco."
I sighed and walked backto mine and Dave's room,Ilaid down on the bed with him.
"Dave, i wish there was something more i could do, he won't see a doctor and won't even let me in now.It's like he isn't even Kurt anymore.......There is also something else i am worried about but it's stupid so nevermind." I said as i rolled over away from him.
" Krist baby, you are doing what you can for Kurt, you said this has happened before, that was just you two then, now you also have me to help. and Krist," He said rolling me over to face him. "You KNOW you can tell me what's bothering you, I'm your boyfriend you are supposed to tell me!"
" Well," I blushed.. "I was wondering if I really made you happy, or if you truely like me and aren't just trying to make the band go smoothly."
" Krist Novoselic! you knowI love you with all my heart! what is it that makes you think i don't?" Dave sounded a little hurt..
" well, it's really stupid, and, and, I know a relationship is not all about sex, and it's definitely not all i look for in a relationship, And I'm not pressuring you at all but I just wondered, If there was something wrong, like are you not wanting to do it with me? is it something i've said or done? or if you are still not ready, which is understandable I don't want you to think i'm a terrible boyfriend and am pressuring you cuz I'm not. I just wanted to make sure i wasn't turning you off in some way, or that this was my fault in some way.."
Dave looked strange, I couldn't read him at the moment. I was holding my breath anticipating what he would say.
"krist, it's not you. Not you at all." He looked guitly like he wanted to cry. "i'm just scared, I knew this point in our relationship was coming,I just didn't know how to deal with it, It's something I think i want butIt's just- sex has never been a comfortable topic with me, My step dad tried to take advantage of me, and he would have but my sister stopped him, but instead he did it to her..And don't get me wrong, i feel safe with you but I just have trouble getting past that. There is more to that story but i can't talk about it at this time. Krist, I think I'm ready, you are just going to have to make a move. Don't ever think for a second i don't love you, you are the best thing in my life."
" I love you too Dave, i am so sorry that happened to you and your sister! that's freaking horrible! I will make sure whenever we do it you are comfortable. come here baby." I just held himand kissed the top of his head, He was so sensitive and fragile, he was amazing I loved the fact he loved me, he was my little sweetie.Geez i needed to get a better pet name for him. I knew he trusted me, he fell asleepin my arms,I yawned and as I dozed offI remembered what it was like to be in the positionDave was,When i was avirgin when i was with Anthony, I hoped i was beingas kind and understanding to Dave as Anthony was to me.I fell asleep too.
I jolted awake with one thought in my head,, 'Kurt!' I got up and went to his door. The coco was still there!I put my ear to the door, and there was no crying or singing or moaning. I looked in the key hole,and i couldn't see him, but i smelled something that smelled like metal almost, I knocked, there was no answer.
" KURT!?!?!?" still no answer..
"I'm sorry i have to do this buddy." I backed up as far as i could and ran to the locked door and slammed all my force into it, and it opened. I thought i was going to die when i saw what happened, I;m notsure if i actually screamed or ifit got caught in my throat. There was blood all over, Kurt was lying in a pool of blood, he had slit his wrists. I fell to my knees beside him, I felt him he was cold, and knocked out, this had to have happened a while ago, he had lost a lot of blood and was still losing it, i ripped my shirt and tied two pieces super tight around each wrist, I listened to his chest, my breath caught until I heard a shallow heart beat. I picked him up carefully, and stood up,
" Kurt, kurt baby don't die on me don't die I need you, stay with me!"
"DAVE!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD DAVE GET IN HERE!"
Dave ran in as fast as he could.
"oh god," he said as he turned away. "what the heck are you going to do? is he freaking alive? oh god say he is alive."
"WHAT DO I DO ? OH MY GOD DAVE HE FREAKING TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF CALL THE FREAKING 911 AND TELL THEM IM BRINGING HIM."
I ran out the door sobbing and hyperventilating while carrying Kurt, i put him in the front seat, and drove off to the nearest hospital, leaving Dave at home calling them, I could hardly see I was crying so hard, i kept talking to a passed out Kurt in a bit of non sense.
"Kurt don't die oh god i need you kurt, stay with me, don't die on me , I can't make it without you kurt, this all my fault I'm so sorry, Kurt i love you i need you don't die, we are almost there kurdt."
this went on the whole drive, when we got there i didn't even close the freaking doors i grabbed him and ran into the hospital as fast as i could.