Chapter 1: When You're Talking To Yourself...
Malibu, 1994
It had been two days of excruciating pain for Axl. Two days of crying and anger. Two days of darkness. And two days with Kurt gone, forever. He walked to his mirror, gazing at his reflection staring back at him. Dressed in his black suit, he adjusted the ring on his finger, his heart breaking a little more inside. He reached over and slipped on his sunglasses, hiding his red eyes from everyone would see that day. With a heavy heart, he walked out of the house and into the car, ignoring shouts from the press, who were shoving their microphones into his face. Sabina was waiting for him, holding her little teddy bear in her tiny hands. Axl tried to compose himself and sat down next to her.
“Buckle your seatbelt, kiddo,” he said, trying to sound like he hadn’t been an emotional wreck in the last few days. She looked at the seatbelt and fumbled with it. He sighed and couldn’t help but let out a small laugh as he reached over and buckled her in. “You got it now?”
She nodded and lay down, resting her head in his lap as they sped off to the cemetery. Tears filled his eyes as he stroked her light brown hair and looked into her blue eyes that looked just like Kurt’s. He blinked them back, refusing to let her see him cry. She was still too young to understand that her other daddy was gone.
The car finally stopped and Axl felt his stomach drop. He slowly lifted his daughter’s head off of his lap and lifted her out of the car. He kept her in his arms as he walked towards the gravesite. He tightened his grip on Sabina when he caught sight of Courtney. Axl made his way to the front row and sat down, with Sabina resting on his lap. The pastor’s words were drowned out as Axl drifted off into the past, particularly 1986, a long eight years before.
West Hollywood, 1986
Kurt woke up coughing as smoke began to fill his nose. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, almost choking on the smoky air. Opening his eyes, he saw a redheaded man sitting in a chair, smoking and shirtless. He gulped and looked around, not knowing where he was.
“Wha...what?” was all he could get out. The man turned around and gave a sly smile to him, blowing more smoke out of his mouth.
“So you’re up now,” the man remarked, smothering his cigarette and crossing his arms. Kurt noticed that his fly was undone.
“Who are you? Um...what happened?” he asked groggily, his head hurting as he continued to talk. The redhead smirked and pursed his lips.
“Well, take a look at yourself and maybe you’ll find out,” he replied, grabbing a jacket and covering most of his chest with it as he put it on. Kurt looked down at his body and gasped. He was completely naked.
“Oh no…” Kurt muttered, putting his head in his hands in exasperation and confusion. He groaned and pulled the sheets over himself.
“It’s Axl,” Axl said, getting up and taking the pack of cigarettes with him. Kurt rolled over and was about to introduce himself, but Axl cut him off. “You’re Kurt, I know. Cobain, right?” Kurt nodded, still not comprehending what he had just said.
“How do you know my fucking name, man?” he asked. Axl just shook his head.
“Show last night. You were pretty damn good.” And then he left.
Chapter 2: You Can Fool Yourself...
“This is called Don’t Cry,” Axl said as he introduced the next song to the small crowd in the venue. He nodded to Slash and Slash began to strum the opening chords. As he watched the crowd, he could see a figure step in through the cramped doorway. He kept on dancing slowly, but he kept his eye on the man. He could feel his mouth forming into a smile when he recognized the blue eyes and blonde hair that stood a few feet away from him.
At first, Kurt didn’t recognize the handsome singer on the stage. Suddenly, he remembered his name. Axl. Everything about him looked perfect: his messy red hair, his lips, his eyes, and his damn voice.
“Talk to me softly...there’s something in your eyes...don’t hang your head in sorrow, and please don’t cry…”
He was mesmerized. Eyes locked on him. He could’ve sworn that Axl made eye contact with him for a few seconds before belting out the notes to the chorus, making Kurt grin in amazement. He never knew that a voice like that could exist.
Axl was joking around with Duff backstage; the two of them loved to get high together. They were about to stagger out of the door and into the cold night when Duff almost crashed into Kurt, who had just turned the corner to find Axl. Axl broke out into a fit of giggles at the sight of a confused Kurt standing there while Duff apologized over and over. Kurt saw Axl and walked over to him, shyly shoving his fidgeting hands in his jean pockets.
“Hey man, I just wanted to stop by and say that your show was great,” he said nervously. Axl ran a hand through his hair and before anyone could stop him, planted a kiss on Kurt’s lips. He surprisingly didn’t pull away and instead kissed him back. Slash was staring at them with the cigarette dangling out of his mouth and Izzy pushed up his sunglasses to get a better view.
“There you go, motherfucker,” Axl babbled, putting an arm on Duff to support himself. He blew a kiss to Kurt as Duff dragged him out the door, muttering apologies to Kurt as he did so.
About two days later, they made it official. They were dating.
About a few weeks after they became a couple, Axl received a phone call from his stepfather, the one person he really didn’t want to call. He picked up the phone and his eyes widened when he heard a familiar voice on the other end of the line. Their conversation lasted two minutes and ended with Axl smashing the telephone on the floor.
Kurt came home and found Axl sitting on the couch, stone faced and shards of plastic lying on the floor. “What happened, Axl?” he asked, running to collect the pieces of telephone on the ground. After he disposed of them, he sat down next to Axl and ran a hand through the long hair and then putting an arm around him.
Axl shook his head and sighed. “I got a phone call from my piece of shit stepdad,” he growled. “And then he asked me for money, and I said, fuck no. And he went ballistic on me, man.” Axl gritted his teeth and stared at the floor.
“So I guess he was a pretty crappy stepdad, huh?” Kurt asked, letting Axl rest his head on his shoulder. Axl nodded and bit his lip.
“He would yell and flip out on us for no fucking reason,” Axl said quietly, but Kurt could tell that his anger was building up. “And then...I walked in on him-” Axl paused and turned away from Kurt, Kurt’s arm slipping off of his back. Kurt’s eyebrows furrowed and Axl’s shoulders began to shake a little. He turned back to face him and Kurt was shocked to see tears flowing from Axl’s green eyes. “I walked in on that son of a bitch with his hands on my fucking sister.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kurt exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Axl as Axl grabbed onto his arm, like someone clinging on for dear life while drowning.
Chapter 3: You Came In This World Alone...
Since Kurt had just seen Axl cry, their relationship only grew from there. Kurt knew that Axl preferred to hide his emotions rather than show them to people he knew. When they went to bed, Axl made Kurt promise that they would never speak of that again, his cheeks blushing a bright red. Kurt simply nodded and snuggled up to him, resting his arm on Axl’s waist as they drifted into their own dreams.
The next morning, Axl shifted in the bed and turned around to face Kurt, who was still fast asleep. He tried to lift his head up to see the time and his head fell back down. Axl groaned softly, his neck throbbing. He realized that Kurt had been curled up with all the pillows in his arms. He laughed to himself and turned the clock towards him. Shit, he thought. He had to arrive at the studio by nine and he had half an hour to eat and get himself ready. He gave Kurt a small kiss and jumped out of bed, grabbing his baseball hat on the way out of the bedroom.
Kurt woke up alone in bed, feeling around for Axl and touching air instead. He sighed and figured that Axl had left for the studio already. He forced himself out of bed and walked down the stairs to the kitchen in his baggy shirt. His heart jumped a little when he saw his boyfriend sitting at the counter, tapping his foot to the music playing on the radio nearby. He chuckled when he saw that Axl was eating Cheerios for breakfast instead of his healthier usual. Axl turned around and gave him a tiny grin.
“I gotta go soon, okay?” he said, finishing his cereal. “And remember, the boys and I are going on a little tour next week. Kurt, are you sure you don’t wanna tag along?” Kurt shook his head and picked up Axl’s hat, pushing it over Axl’s eyes. Axl laughed. “It’ll be fun?”
“Remember, I gotta work on these new songs with Dave, man…” Kurt reminded him reluctantly.
“True...well, it’ll only be a few days, right?” he said as he kissed Kurt goodbye, grabbing the car keys. Kurt gave him a thumbs up and Axl walked out of the door.
Kurt didn’t expect to be this lonely while Axl was gone. His old habits were catching up with him and Axl didn’t know bout this. He had found the needles that Axl always tried to (unsuccessfully) hide and he had shot up, not caring what the effects of the drugs might do to him. For a few hours a day, he would lie in the bathroom and feel numb to the world.
Two weeks had passed and the short Guns N’ Roses “tour” was over. Kurt waited at the bus stop, looking out for any sign of Axl or his friends. After a long time, the bus finally screeched to a halt and Duff hopped out, waving at Kurt. The rest of the band got off, Axl being the last one to walk off. He saw Kurt and sprinted towards him. Kurt had to brace himself for the impact. Axl threw his arms around him and Kurt hugged him as tight as he could. Axl buried his face into Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt looked up and saw Steven and Slash smiling at them, although he couldn’t tell if it was in a mocking or approving way. Regardless, he flipped them off and continued to kiss Axl’s head. After what seemed like forever, they pulled away and walked to the house, hand in hand. When they got to the bedroom, they were too tired to kiss or cuddle or do what they used to do before Axl left. They both changed out of their dirty shirts and lay down in bed. Axl failed to notice the marks on Kurt’s forearm.
Chapter 4: (Alone)
That whole day had been a disaster for the both of them. Duff got sick at a gig and they had to take him to the hospital to see what was wrong; the whole band spending five hours there. Kurt had gotten into a fight at the bar and took the rest of his frustration out on Axl that night. Axl was sitting on the couch, listening to Kurt rant on and on about how irritating life was. He began insulting Axl over nothing, obviously wanting to get his pent up anger out. Axl sat there and took it, not getting offended until Kurt dug deeper into his private life.
He brought up his childhood, almost yelling, “I bet you’re lying about half the stuff you’ve told me...you probably made all that shit up anyways.”
Axl stiffened and all the blood drained from his face. Kurt clapped a hand over his mouth, disgusted with his words. He watched helplessly as Axl stood up and walked over to him. He thought he was going to slap him, but Axl just ran past him and into the bedroom, slamming the door.
He didn’t cry. He didn’t want to cry. So he held it all in.
Indiana, 1978
“Billy…”
“Yeah?” Bill looked up and saw his younger sister, Amy, staring at him in the doorway. “Is it important, ‘cause I gotta finish reading this.” He pointed at a section in his bible, brushing the long hair out of his eyes.
She swallowed and came closer to him. He looked down at her and his mouth dropped open. “Oh god, not again…” he muttered. She had a huge, big, blue bruise on the side of her face. Bill was fuming, his fists clenched around his pencil. “Why did he do that to you?”
Amy sighed and looked behind her, letting out a tiny gasp. The shadow of their father was coming around the corner. Bill stood up and gently pushed her out of the way, standing in front of her as their stepfather turned to face them. Bill walked up to him angrily. “Why did you put your hands on her, you sick bastard.”
Stephen punched him in the face, sending him to the floor. Instead of staying there, he staggered back up and landed another blow to the older man’s face. Axl didn’t come to school the next day, or the day after that.
Present Day
Axl continued to sit in the bedroom, alone with his thoughts for a few hours before the doorknob slowly turned and Kurt shuffled in quietly. Axl had promised himself not to cry. He didn’t want to cry. But he couldn’t bear to hold it in any longer after he felt Kurt climb onto the bed and wrap his arms around his shoulders, desperately whispering “I'm sorry” into his ears. For once, he didn’t feel completely alone anymore, and it felt amazing.
Chapter 5: So Nobody Ever Told You Baby....
Axl tripped over his own feet as he drunkenly walked to the bedroom. He pushed open the door and giggled to himself, wanting to throw himself into Kurt’s arms. He hopped over to the bed and flopped onto it, feeling Kurt’s body shift next to him. He nudged him with his arm and whispered, “hey you.”
Kurt didn’t answer, and his arm swung off the side of the bed. Axl could see it in the dark. Axl nudged him harder, but still, there was no answer. He frowned and his hand fumbled as he reached for the light switch. He let out a scream.
There was a bloody needle in Kurt’s arm, and Kurt’s lips were slowly turning purple.
Chapter 6: So What'll Happen To Us Baby?
Hot tears were swimming in Axl’s eyes as he gritted his teeth and watched the ambulance drive off. Duff and Steven had ran to his house once he called them, the sound of the ambulance wailing in the back. Steven put his arm around Axl, who was standing still like a statue.
Duff broke the eerie silence by suggesting that they drive to the hospital immediately, pulling Axl out of his trance. Within a few seconds, they were speeding down the street towards the hospital. Steven still had his arm around Axl in the backseat, trying to comfort his inconsolable friend, who hadn’t said a word to them since the phone call. But he practically jumped out of the car door when they reached the hospital, bursting through the doors and running to the front desk.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he gasped, desperately trying to get the receptionist’s attention as several other people in the front glared at him. The woman looked up from her clipboard and her eyes widened, as she recognized him.
Luckily, she decided to keep her mouth shut and asked, “How can I help you, sir? What do you need?”
“I need...to see Kurt…” he panted, leaning forward and trying to catch his breath.
“Kurt...Kurt...Kurt...let’s see here…” she flipped through the sheets of paper with patients and finally located his name. “I’m sorry, but he’s in the Intensive Care Unit; I’m afraid you won’t be able to see him for a while.” Axl lightly groaned and banged his fist on the table in anger and marching back to the two blondes in a huff. He sat down in the small waiting room chair and crossed his arms.
“I’m so sorry, man…” Duff tried, but Axl ignored him. He sighed and turned to Steven. “We should probably give him some space, alright?” Steven nodded and Duff tapped Axl on the arm, hoping to not upset him any further. “We’ll give you time on your own, but you know that we’re right here, okay?” Axl gave a very small nod and shifted in his seat, slightly turning his back to them.
It had been two hours and Axl was growing restless. Steven was asleep and Duff was trying very hard to keep his eyes open. He had to slap himself in the face numerous times or pinch himself in order to stay awake. Axl’s eyes were bloodshot from being open for so long. Right when Duff was starting to drift off into a blissful sleep, Axl pounded the arm of the chair in frustration.
“I can’t take this anymore!” he fumed, standing up and almost flipping the chair over before Duff had to grab it. “I can’t wait for this long! I want to see him!” he yelled in exasperation. Steven’s eyes opened and his face filled with worry when he saw Duff preventing Axl from damaging any more furniture. He slowly got up and rested his hand on Axl’s shoulder.
“Axe, you just gotta let it out now,” he muttered, seeing how hurt the singer was inside. He pulled him into a hug and they stood there as Axl’s eyes wandered down the hall, wishing to be with Kurt, wherever he was.