All I can think about is you. And now you’re gone.
And with you went all my hope. My hope of a future together, my hope that I could possibly bring you happiness, it’s all gone now.
Our times together are a finite number; they’re all in the past. There will be no more times of laughter, lightness, or closeness. No times of seriousness and conversation. Never again will I hold you. Nothing. It’s gone. All shattered by one bullet.
One bullet and everything changed.
One bullet took you from me.
And now, so many things remind me of you. If the very sky reminds me of your blue, blue eyes, how can I get you out of my mind? I see some piece of you in nearly everything that I could possibly pass by. I haven’t left my house for days, too much reminds me of you. And it hurts.
I think may slowly be going insane. I think I hear your laughter and I turn around. I think I hear your voice and I start to look for you. I never find you; I never will find you. The truth is that you’re gone, and now I’ve lost the only thing dear to me. I would give anything to have you back.
I miss you so much that part of me wants to follow you, but I know you would want me to be happy and keep living. As hard as that seems.
There also is a part of me is angry with you for leaving me stranded here alone in this world. My belief in love, in forever, shattered. I don’t want to become jaded, but it’s hard. I gave everything I had to you. You took so much of my heart with you. I feel empty, like something’s missing.
I know what’s missing.
I wish you would have fucking talked to me goddammit. I thought things were going well. What did I do? What didn’t I do? Could I have helped this? Did you even do this? I can’t see it, but it’s possible. Anything’s possible, I suppose. I don’t want to believe that you’re gone. I can’t.
All these feelings pent up inside of me, need to be let out. A scream, similar to the screams you put into our music, except mine is one of a broken man. Not of an impassioned man, with opinions. A scream of one consumed with thoughts and grief for a lost lover. Pain, until it feels as though my throat may bleed.
I sink to the floor and curl up. I no longer have you to hold me close; to assure me that things will work out. No comfort. One last scream and a thrown glass.
It hits the wall and shatters. Like me, when I heard.
The pieces rain to the floor with soft clinks. I lean against the couch and stare at the moonlight glinting off the glass like teardrops on the floor. I stare for what seems like hours until I slowly nod off to sleep.
When the sun hits my face in the early morning, it’s too soon.
I dreamt I was with you, Kurt. I held you close and you told me you would never leave me. I believed you, I was so happy. We fit so well together and now I have to wake and face the fact that you already have left. Why did you leave me? I will always miss you; no one can fill this gaping hole losing you has left me. Maybe I’m being overdramatic, but this is how I feel.
Stiff from sleeping sitting up, I slowly pad to the bathroom, not caring as I walk through the glass shards now glinting in the sun. The tears still remain. When I look into the mirror, the man staring back at me looks so pathetic. Bags under his eyes reddened from crying, hair mussed more than normal. I’m disgusted and no longer want to see him.
I punch the mirror. It becomes yet another shattered thing. There are a few shards in my hand.
A shattered man should keep shattered company.
I once again sink to the floor. This time its cold and tiled, even less comforting. I want you back, your warm and caring embrace.
I look upwards, as if I could talk to you. With roughened voice I call out “Kurt, is this what you wanted?” I lower my head and look at my hands and feet. I whisper, “I’m broken and bleeding. I’d try to follow you, join you with the angels.” My voice breaks as I say “but heaven won’t take a shattered man.”