It’s the 12th Christmas without you.
Granted, we didn’t actually celebrate it in the traditional way. But we spent the time together. That’s what mattered. I have so much to be thankful for, but even after this long I still can’t get you out of my head. I’ll never forget you, but I just can’t seem to move on.
I’m lying here awake and remembering everything that is you. The way you dressed and the way you smelled. Your stringy blonde hair and your amazing blue eyes. Your smile that you showed to so few. Every time I think of the rare moments you smiled, I still get butterflies in my stomach. You were so beautiful. I still can’t find words to describe your voice. Some might say it was abrasive, other say it was flat. I’d have to say it was soulful and sexy. Hearing you sing never failed to stir something inside of me. Now when I hear one of your songs, all it stirs is sadness. I miss you so much. I wish you were still here with me.
I miss the warmth, the quiet comfort of having you by my side. I wished we could have proclaimed our love to the world. But we kept it secret and perhaps it was for the best. I don’t have to deal with the pity I would have gotten if the world had known about us. I can keep these memories to myself, my times with you are some of those I hold dearest.
I will always remember the first time I kissed you. It was during one of your fits of stomach pain, which you are now free of. You look so sad and so lost. I held you and tried to ease your pain. You were always thin as a rail and you fit so well. Curled up against me, you were so adorable, I had to kiss you. It took us both by surprise and through the haze you managed to tell me that you’d like me to do that again, on a day where you didn’t feel like shit. You were always witty like that. All I did was smile in return, you had fallen asleep. Our first real kiss was soon after. Following a great show, we were both still coming of the adrenaline high that comes with performing. You grabbed me and planted a kiss right on my lips. It was magical, and that’s the only way to put it.
Another memory I hold close was our first night together. We had just come off tour and were so happy to be home. You were so nervous; it was your first time with a guy. Sweet kisses turned to passionate touches. Your soft skin and thin frame. The noises you made and the look on your face. It was one of the best nights of my life. Not just for the sex, but the emotions and love in it. No one I’ve been with since has come close to you. We were perfect together.
Kurt, what I wouldn’t give for you to be back here with me. To hold you, to kiss you, to love you again. It’s days like these that are the hardest to get through. But I’m living the life you did not. You wanted out, and you got out. Fame isn’t an easy thing. I’m living the life you hated, but I’m still searching for happiness because I know you would have wanted that for me. Though, sometimes I wonder if I can be happy here without you. I hope you are looking down at me from up above, that you finally got your wings and that you became the angel that I always knew you were. Hopefully, I’ll meet you there.