The Kiwi Saga: The Escalator, The Guitar, and The Hallway

It's 4:00pm, and you have a very important meeting. Not just any meeting, but a meeting that could make or break your career.

You walk into an office building and ask the Secretary, who is casually painting her nails, about your scheduled meeting. She looks at you and sighs impatiently. "Ah yes. Go on up to office 454. The manager will be there." She says with a flap of her hand. You assume that means you're dismissed. You walk over to the elevator and push the button for the fourth floor. After waiting for five minutes, you see that the elevator is out of order. You sigh with impatientence, realizing you're going to have to walk up the stairs. You proceed to the stairs, which you begin to climb, until you see an escalator. You immediately ditch the idea of the stairs and climb on the escalator. Once you get on, you check the time. 4:15. As you straighten your outfit, ensuring you look professional, a man comes running up the escalator, yelling "stop standing on escalators!" You immediately start running up the remaining stairs on the escalator. Luckily, this brings you to the fourth floor. You begin looking for office 454. As you wander past offices, you can't help but hear all the conversations through most of the open doors. As you walk past one, you hear a man playing guitar and singing. Walking past another, you hear the escalator guy muttering to himself about 'uncultured swine who stand on escalators'. Finally, you reach office 454, at the end of a long, dark hallway.

The Kiwi Saga: Meeting the Kiwi

You knock lightly on the door. No response. You glance at the gold nameplate. D. Grohl. Underneath that, there's a smaller green nameplate that says Precious. You begin to wonder if there's no one there. You knock again, harder this time. A voice responds "enter". You push open the door. You walk into a dimly lit room. As your eyes just to the sudden lack of light, you see a couch, a desk and an office chair facing opposite you. "I said enter" the voice says. You obey, stepping further into the dark office. As you stop in the middle of the room, the office chair turns. "I've been expecting you" Dave Grohl says as he turn to face you. You can't help but notice he's petting a kiwi as he looks at you. You feel like you should laugh, like this is a huge joke, but seeing the serious look on Dave's face, you stifle your laughter. All is silent. Until you hear a low rumbling sound. You look around for the sound. The only possibility could be that the kiwi is purring. And that seems to be the answer, as Dave continues to pet the kiwi. "My Precious" he says to you, indicating the kiwi. You get the feeling that this meeting is definitely not what you expected it to be.

The Kiwi Saga: The Babysitting Job

You walk out of the office building an hour later, carrying a kiwi in your hands. "I don't understand" you say to no one in particular. The kiwi in your hand answers by purring softly. You continue to walk when a voice yells down from one of the office windows. "Don't forget to take Precious for walks!" Dave yells down to you. "I'll be back in a few days." You continue walking, petting the kiwi as you walk. "I need help" you mutter to yourself. Someone answers you. "If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first." You look beside you. A man with blonde hair and bright blue eyes smiles and winks at you before yelling up at the office window. "Dave! I thought we talked about this kiwi thing!" Dave yells back down at the man "Kurt, just because you don't like Precious doesn't mean other people do". You decide that it's time to quit your job and maybe get some sleep, because you have a feeling you're hallucinating.

The Kiwi Saga: The Lost and Found Kiwi

One Week Later

You're sleeping on your couch. You wake up because you have the feeling someone's watching you. You turn and look at the coffee table where the kiwi was. Was. You look around for it, thinking you maybe lost it. After five minutes of searching, you flop back on the couch. You close your eyes. "My Precious." Your eyes flip open. Dave is sitting on your coffee table, petting the kiwi. You roll over and promise yourself to never even think about kiwis again. And to possibly find yourself a psychologist.