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Guilty Much?

"Kurt?!" Tracy said, running up to me. I widened my eyes as I felt Tracy pull me into a hug. No, no, no. The last thing I wanted to see was Tracy and her friend here. I just wanted space. "I haven't seen you in such a long time!" Tracy said, squeezing me. What was the big deal? It was only a couple weeks ago. I kept a straight face and barely squeezed Tracy back. Tracy stopped hugging me and looked me up and down. I looked over at Krist and he motioned the exit of the gas station with his head. I slightly nodded and looked back at Tracy. "Why won't you come home?" Tracy asked. I began looking around the gas station in search of a good excuse I could give her. I saw Krist pick up the cases of beer and began making his way out of the gas station. Damn it, Krist. I wanted him to wait for me. Not leave without me. "I've been hanging out with the guys, you don't have to worry." I said, leaning in for a kiss from Tracy. Tracy kissed me quickly and looked me in the eyes. Tracy smelled like cheap perfume and baby powder. "Well, I kinda, sorta miss you." Tracy said, playfully elbowing me. "Kinda, sorta eh?" I asked. Tracy smiled back at me and eyed the back of the gas station. I began walking away when I felt Tracy grab my arm. "Do you know when you'll be back?" Tracy asked, trying not to let me leave. "I have no idea." I said, shyly looking at the ground. "Can you at least be back soon? Christmas is coming up soon and I wanted to set up the Christmas tree." Tracy said with a pouty face. "I mean, I guess so. I don't know.." I trailed off. Tracy frowned and shrugged her shoulders. "Alright.. I love you." Tracy said kissing me goodbye. Tracy walked to the back to grab something. I quickly turned and began speed walking out the the door, remembering that Krist walked out almost 5 minutes ago. I opened the gas station door and felt the cold weather give me goose bumps on my face and legs. I stood in the cold for a second, looking for Krist. I cursed under my breath when I didn't see him anywhere. I kicked some snow in anger when I saw a car pull up next to me. Krist waved at me through the passengers seat window. I began jogging through the snow to hop in the car with Krist. I hopped into the car and closed the door to shut out the cold. Krist set the case of beer on my lap and began driving us home. I looked out the window and began spacing out when Krist broke my thoughts by turning on the radio. I searched the stations to see if I could find some of my favorite songs. As I was searching through, I heard a song that sounded familiar to me. So I stopped searching and listened to the song. The song was a favorite of mine, It was called "Its only right and natural" by the Sex Pistols. I hummed to the song and began looking out the window again. When Krist and I arrived back at his house, I handed him the cases of beer and got out first. Krist turned off the ignition and put his keys in his mouth to be able to close the door and carry the beer at the same time. I jumped in the snow as I let Krist unlock the door. Krist motioned his head inside and followed him inside. "Honey I'm home!" Krist yelled in a goofy southern accent. I saw Krist jog over to Shelli and give her a kiss. I slipped off my soggy shoes and grabbed Krists pack of cigarettes. A wave of guilt washed over me and I began to think about Tracy sitting alone at our apartment. I ignored the guilty thoughts and walked over to Chad sitting on the couch. I plopped on the couch and managed to hit Chad right in the groin. Chad sat up in pain and began holding his groin. I stared to smile when I heard Shelli chuckling a couple feet away. I looked over at the couple and saw that they were laughing at what I did. Chad stopped holding his groin and slowly slumped back into the couch. Chad frowned and kicked me. I looked over at Chad and started to be sarcastic. Krist brought in the cases of beer we bought and set it on the table. Chad excitedly got off the couch and ran to the table. Krist stepped out of the way quickly, to avoid Chads recklessness. "Relax dude, I got plenty." Krist said, grabbing a beer. Chad grabbed a large handful of beers, went over the window and sat there quietly. Chad was really anxious to get drunk it seemed like. Chad threw me a beer and I caught it without any trouble. I stared at the label and popped open the lid. I took my first sip when I decided to go over to Chad. Krist grabbed Shelli off the couch and began swaying her. Shelli blushed and danced with Krist for a little bit. Chad began I talking until I couldn't even remember what I was doing. I felt a strong buzz from the beer start to kick in, causing me to do dumb things with sober Chad. I stumbled towards Krist and Shelli on the couch, a couple feet away from me and Chad. I was about to say something when I tripped on the rug sitting in the middle of the room. I started to fall when I saw everything in slow motion and then go black as soon as I hit the floor.

I opened my eyes the next morning, and tried to remember where I was. I sat up quickly on the couch and looked around. I was still in Krist's apartment. I sighed a sigh of relief and rubbed my face with my beer scented hands. I slumped back down into the couch and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, regretting what I did last night. I was surprised I remembered what I did so quickly. Usually, I would drink the night before and not remember a single thing but this time it was different. I slowly got up off the couch and lazily walked to the bathroom. I took off my shirt and looked in the mirror. I studied my features and body, wondering why I was so ugly. I shrugged my bony shoulders and turned on the shower, undressed more and stood there, awkwardly naked. I got in the shower and adjusted the temperature, making sure I didn't burn myself again. I began thinking about me and Tracy's makeout session we had a couple weeks ago. I stress fully moved my hand through my hair and looked at the steam coming from the shower. Krist knew why I was here right? I think. He could kinda tell that I wasn't happy to see Tracy yesterday. I guess it didn't really matter to me. I didn't really bother to say alot whenever I was around Krist. I didn't really bother to say much when I was around anyone actually. I seemed to be acting more evasive around people. It seems like there is so many things wrong with me. I didn't feel right. I had the sudden urge to smoke another cigarette. I leaned my head against the wall and hummed some of my lyrics. I feel really, really sad all the fucking time. Its like, One minute I'm sassy or sarcastic and then the next I'm so vulnerable and caring. I wouldn't blame Krist for wanting to punch me in the face sometimes. Even I wanted punch myself in the face. I'm just a messed up human being. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck my parents for making me feel so left out and alienated. I grabbed the soap and washed my hair and body before getting out.

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