Awkward..

My hands were shaking as I was pulling into the parking lot of the Mazatlan Restaurant. I haven't seen Tracy in such a long time it made me anxious just to even think about us seeing each other again. I sat in the drivers seat for a minute, wondering if it was actually worth being here. I ignored my negative thoughts and turned off the ignition, opened the door and got out. I nervously put my hands in my pockets and searched for my lighter and cigarettes. I felt my lighter but not my cigarettes. I pulled my hand out of the pocket I found my lighter in and searched my other pocket. With no luck finding my cigarettes, I angrily pulled my hands out of my pockets and looked at the entrance of the restaurant. "Here this will help." A familiar voice behind me said. I quickly turned around and saw Tracy standing there couple feet away from me. Tracy took out a pack of cigarettes and threw them to me. Tracy looked pretty much the same sense the last time I saw her. Tracy was wearing a gray jacket over a dark blue sweater, jeans and a pair of black boots. Tracy had long black curly hair and chocolate brown eyes. I caught the cigarettes and turned back around to smoke. I lit my cigarette and put it in my mouth to smoke when I felt Tracy come up behind me and kiss me on the cheek. I kept a straight face and looked at the entrance of the restaurant. "No hello to your girlfriend?" Tracy asked. "Hi." I said quietly. Tracy gave me a concerned look and began walking inside. I smoked the rest of my cigarette and threw it on the ground. I began walking towards the entrence of the restaurant. Tracy held the door for me and let me go first. "Hi sir, How many?" the waitress asked. The waitress was really weird looking. She was wearing waaay to much makeup. She had short black hair, green eyes and freckles. She wore dark blue eye shadow, mascara, eye liner and pink lipstick. I tried not to be rude by staring so long, so I looked over at Tracy. I opened my mouth to say something but Tracy answered for me anyway. "2" she said, looking at me. "Follow me." the waitress said, walking away and grabbing menus. Tracy grabbed my hand and led me behind the waitress. I looked at our hands and shyly looked at the ground. The waitress led me and Tracy to a secluded booth in the corner of the restaurant. I slowly took my hand away and sat across from Tracy. I watched the waitress pass out our menus and walk away. I looked over at Tracy and saw she was already staring. "So..H-How was your day?" I asked, trying to start a conversation. "Eh, I guess it was alright. I'm just kinda glad its over with." Tracy said playing with her hair. I watched her play with her hair and wonder what it was like to be her right now. "What about you Kurt?" She asked. "Oh me? W-Well I hung out with Chad and Krist for like 3 d-days." I said. Tracy looked at me and then to her left. "Well, I guess that's good." She said. Tracy looked back at me. "Oh, sorry for not being home for a while. I had to-" "Yeah, you uh told me in the note." I said interrupting her. "Oh yeah. I forgot I gave that to you." She said smiling at me. I looked down at the table and tried not to look at Tracy. I was trying really, really hard not to show any emotion. I wouldn't blame Tracy if she thought dating me was frustrating. In fact, that's what she told me a couple weeks back. I know that she loves me but she wants to get closer.. I viewed sex as relationship intimacy which makes me distance myself. I also had abandonment issues from my parents divorcing when I was 7. The divorce had a big effect on my life. Both of my parents found new partners after the divorce. My father had promised not to remarry but after he met this girl named Jenny Westeby, he did... Me, my father, Westeby, and her weird children Mindy and James, moved into a new household together. I actually liked Westeby at first, She gave me the maternal attention I desired. In January when I was about 11, Westeby gave birth to a boy, Chad. This new family, which I insisted was not my real one, got in the way. She used to give me all the attention sense I was a boy child. Sense I didn't get that attention after Chad was born, I began to express resentment toward my stepmother. My mother began dating a man who was abusive. I witnessed the violence inflicted upon her, with one incident resulting in her being hospitalized with a broken arm. It kinda scared me.. I wanted her to leave him so bad. My mother steadfastly refused to press charges, remaining completely committed to the relationship. After this, I behaved insolently toward adults. I bullied another boy at school. These behaviors eventually caused my father and Westeby to take me to a therapist, who concluded that I would benefit in a single family environment. Both sides of the family attempted to bring my parents back together, but that didn't work. In June, My mother granted full custody of me to my father. Which did not work out very well. He treated me poorly like I wasn't an option anymore.. Sense then i've been kind of depressed. I was only 7. Fucking 7 years old. You didn't need that kinda depressing shit at that age. "Sir? What do you want?" the waitress asked, interrupting my thoughts. "Kurt." Tracy said, reaching over and tugging on my sleeve.. "I will..just have a Pepsi."I said. "That's it?" the waitress and Tracy said at the same time. "Yeah." I said in a annoyed tone. "How about you miss?" the waitress said looking over at Tracy. "I'll just have a burrito." I popped my knuckles and stared at my legs. I mean, I loved Tracy but I didn't wanna even think about getting close with her. I usually try to keep my distance... a lot. "No, you're staying here." I told myself. "Kurt, I know you don't wanna be here but can you at least act like it?" Tracy pleaded. I looked up at Tracy and smiled a fake smile. "Sure." I said quietly. Tracy smiled back at me. "See? That's the Kurt I wanna see all the time." Tracy said. The waitress greeted us both again and gave me and Tracy our orders. I slowly drank my Pepsi when I saw Tracy eye the doors to our left. "Hey Kurt, I'll be back, I gotta use the restroom." Tracy said, getting up to leave. I nodded and watched her walk away. I stopped drinking my Pepsi and looked around. I saw a couple kissing a 5 feet ahead of our booth. I tapped my fingers on the table and closed my eyes. I began tapping faster until my fingers began to ache. I opened my eyes and felt my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't stand being here anymore, I wanted to leave. I got up and began walking towards the exit. I opened the restaurant door and felt the cold air hit my face. I jogged over to my car, got in and started the ignition. I shivered from the lingering cold air inside my car as I pulling out of parking lot of the Mazatlan Restaurant. I began driving home, regretting I that I went on that date with Tracy.

When I finally got home, I walked over to my guitar, picked it up and slumped on my couch. I grabbed my notebook and tried to finish some song lyrics. I sat there for an hour trying to get my mind off of Tracy. I kinda felt bad.. After an hour of writing down some ideas and playing some chords, I heard a loud knock on the door. I got up, set my guitar and notebook down and walked over to the door. I opened the door immediately, expecting it to be Krist and Chad. To my surprise, I saw Tracy standing there crying. "Why did you leave?" Tracy asked. I stood there for a second, looking at Tracy in silence. Tracy walked in and I shut the door behind her wondering what I was going to say next. "Nothing? Youre not going to say a anything?. Thats no surprise." "It-I it was.. I just couldn't.." I trailed off. "Why are you so scared? All I want to do is be treated like a girlfriend and you can barely do that!" Tracy yelled, with tears streaming down her cheeks. "It sucks that you cant just fucking man up about us Kurt. Youre an adult. So just.. just stop with all of this distancing yourself crap." I moved my hand to try to wipe the tears off of Tracy's face when she grabbed my wrist and stopped me. I looked at Tracy and then at my wrist being grabbed by her hand. Tracy looked at me with more tears coming down her face. I saw her makeup was smeared from her crying. I couldn't help but smile. That probably wasn't the best way to solve this problem. Tracy is gonna think I'm some heartless bastard or something. "Kurt why are you fucking smiling?" Tracy asked. "This isn't a fucking joke. Did you just hear what I said? You acted like a jerk off back there and you-" I removed my wrist from her grip and kissed her mid sentence. Tracy flinched a little, not expecting that I was going to kiss her. I felt her smeared makeup rub against my cheeks. I'm not sure if that was the right move.. Oh well. Atleast it kept her quiet. Tracy wrapped her arms around my neck and tilted her head a little. I felt my soul come out of Kurt's body again. I saw Kurt and Tracy leaning against the wall having a full make out session. I mouthed the word "Ew" and looked away. "Kurt?" Tracy asked. I looked back over and saw Kurt and Tracy had stopped kissing. "Yeah." Kurt said, looking at her. "I love you." Kurt looked at the ground shyly. Tracy lifted up Kurt's chin and began kissing him again. Kurt and Tracy began moving towards the bedroom."Oh no" "Tracy I don't think, Uh, we should do that." Kurt said, pulling away from the kiss. Tracy looked at Kurt and began kissing him again. "Tracy.. I-I don't think that's a good idea." Kurt said, pulling away. Tracy looked at Kurt with a rejected look in her eyes. "Oh.." Tracy trailed off. Kurt looked at the ground and shoved his hands in his pockets. "You do remember what we were just fighting about right?" Kurt whispered. Tracy kissed his cheek and began walking towards the bedroom. "Goodnight, Kurt." Kurt stood there motionless, watching Tracy leave the room. Kurt tucked his hair behind his left ear and slammed the back of his head against the wall. Kurt looked up at the ceiling and sighed. Poor Kurt. You could tell he really loved her.. He just didnt seem like he wanted to do more advanced things with her. I've never seen anything like that before.