I miss him.


I really miss him.


Sometimes I lie awake at night and think about him, and it sends me into a kind of trance. No, more like a waking dream. I dream about the touch of his skin, so tender, the brush of his fingertips, the blue gaze of his eyes. His eyes were everything, and everything was in his eyes. I saw myself in those eyes, and his soul, his fucked up beautiful soul.


He loved me.


*****


The first time I saw him, he was passed out on the floor backstage at some trashy local concert hall. I didn’t even know who he was. While the people around me whispered about Nirvana, I guess I just looked on in disgust. I remember hoping he was dead. I remember thinking about my best friend who had died of a similar drug binge. I wanted him dead, the mother, I wanted this anonymous fucker dead. I think I must have fainted, or some shit, because I woke up outside in an alleyway.


The next time was a friend’s party. Susannah’s. She was very pretty, with long red hair and green eyes. Every guy wanted to date her, but she chose some grunge drummer. I think his name was Dave. He had the biggest teeth I ever saw. I suppose Kurt looked beautiful next to him. I was sitting outside on Susi’s little sister’s swingset when he came out. I was drunk, but I didn’t speak. I just watched him as he came to sit beside me.

‘’I’m Kurt.’‘

I watched him, not answering, not wanting to.

‘’You’re drunk.’‘

I wondered why he spoke so briefly. He was so to the point. If I thought he had a crush on me, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he just asked me to fuck him right there and then.

‘’Your hair is in your eyes, Kurt.’‘I said quietly. He didn’t even brush it away. That made me mad.

‘’Leave me.’‘I told him.

‘’Never.’‘he replied, staring into my eyes, those pools of blue searching my soul. I stood up, wavering a little, my head clouded with alcohol.

‘’What are you living for?’‘I yelled then, out of the blue, out of nowhere.’‘I don’t fucking understand you!’‘

He watched me, eyes sad.

‘’I heard your band.’‘I said then, my voice trembling with spite.’‘I think your music is shit.''

He smiled, and I thought that was weird.

''So do I.''he said softly.

I shook my head.''Just go away, I'm drunk, don't know anything..you, or what I'm saying. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.''

He nodded and left. I wondered who the hell he thought he was. I remember getting up and running after him and grabbing him and fainting, right over his shoulder.


*****


Everything moved so quickly after that. We were never officially 'dating'..but we weren't just fucking either. Every night was spent in a whirlwind of amazing, but gentle passion, backstage or wherever was safest. I loved him, and he loved me..always with those eyes gazing straight into my soul. For a while I thought we'd be together forever.


Then, one morning, the earliest I'd ever woken up, he was gone. I spent the day, two days, three, looking out of the window waiting for him to come back, but he never did. I think he got married and he had a daughter.


*****


But I never saw those blue eyes open again. The next time I saw him was the picture splashed all over the magazines and newspapers, adorned by screaming shocking headlines. My Kurt was dead, my Kurt, my beautiful blue-eyed boy.


*****


I didn't cry, didn't even try getting into his funeral. They wouldn't know who the hell I was anyway. Sure, Dave, Kris might remember me, but wasn't I just a distant memory..a groupie that hung around a little too long.


*****


But I miss him.


I really miss him.